@IHeartBooks1234456 I'm sorry that had to happen. I have nothing that may help, or silver linings to the situation that I can give you. I'm truly sorry that you've had to be put through all this, and that you've had to lose so much.
In Irish culture, when someone dies they throw what's called a "wake" for the one who passed. It's a great celebration and party where they drink and celebrate the life of those now gone. It doesn't mean you can't cry or be sad, you are allowed to do those, but the wake is meant to remember them as they were instead of what happened to them or why it did.
I'm not saying to go out and throw a raucous party for the deceased, but I'd try to remember your friend as they were, as they were happy, or sad, or angry, or regardless. To remember their life and to immortalize their life in your memory. Your friends would want the best for you, wouldn't they? They'd want you to live your best life, and to carry them with you in spirit.
"It is only when no one remembers that you are truly lost. That is the true death."
-Micheal Scott
