~MADOKA~

Help people got surprised when I said I like PASWG?? Did I actually never mention I’m obsessed w it <33 /VERY excited for season 2 in July ^^

No therapy yet but woah gng!! I feel slightly better more as if that empty space and numb feeling is gone rn!! /maybe healing?/ idk it comes back when im alone and have only my thoughts to think about.

My friend started hunting my comments down on skk fics </33

BAHAHAHA GO READ MT POOKS STORY ^^ 
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/396344944-dicktator-elon-x-trump-x-biden

Erm so!.. I finally built up courage to ask my older sister if I could get a chest binder and she went off on me, telling me I have to be a woman or I’m getting disowned like what </33 anyways fuck that keep using no pronouns or any pronouns for me

When I die all what will be left of me is my name, my words and the despair I felt. Honestly I’m not sure what this emotion is that I hold so deep, perhaps sorrow? Rage? Fear? Loneliness? I don’t what but it drowns me still there is a gap in me. There’s a hole where my heart should sit. I feel pity for others, I feel sorry for others, yet I feel none for me but same time these emotions drown me.  My tears I cry one day will drown me.
          I feel numb. Just knowing someone out there is reading this and cares to listen makes me feel slightly better. I want therapy but I know if I ask for it my mother will have follow up questions. I don’t want her pity. Not after everything she has done and hurt me. I don’t feel safe in my home, yet cannot find the will to separate my home.

“If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you a reason to cry for.”
          These words still make me tremble, whenever my brother started hitting my mom, my sister, or me, I would start crying because that’s just who I am. I’m sensitive, I’m scared, I’m weak. I feel so ungrateful knowing that people’s words online usually mean absolutely nothing to me, I miss the attention when I was younger, you may immediately think I may be a ‘attention seeker’ or etc. but no, it not that, I miss knowing someone would hold me listen while I broke down, I miss people who would pity me and just listen, I miss knowing that I was cared for and loved, I don’t have that anymore.

I FINISHED THE THEME !!

Hehe writer arc
          
          My hunger is all I feel. My hunger eating away at me. I feel my limbs grow weaker. Slowly my eyes starting to flutter shut, permanently. My skin feels loose, soon to fall and fade away. My eyes feel heavier than usual. I arrive to my cold room, my feet slightly tremble against the ice cold concrete flooring. My eyes burn, from being tired or the burning tears starting to welt in my eyes, not sure which anyways. I walk through the small room, barely a bedroom with only a bed and side table. I gently sit upon the side of the bed, I turn carefully to open the side table. I slide open the drawer, inside sits a small metal  #10 scalpel. I reach out and softly grasp the #10 scalpel into my grip. I bring the #10 scalpel over and place it down next to me quietly. I carefully remove my shirt and gently fold it and place it over on the side table. I grab the #10 scalpel again, I adjust my grip getting ready to do a clamshell incision thoracotomy, as I plan to do the wide exposure to properly access my lungs to devour them.  Once I inspect the #10 bladed scalpel to make sure of the precise size, I prepare my other tools, I gently reach back into the drawer as I pull out my other tools I will need for this, I grab my trauma shears, rib spreader (Finochietto retractor), optionally a bow saw, Hemostats, suction, clamps, PPE (gloves, gown, and eye protection), chest tube and thoracotomy set. I then position myself, I get into a supine position before slowly reaching over and grabbing the #10 bladed scalpel, I nimbly create a bilateral transverse thoracotomy incision, from the 5th intercostal space, starting at the anterior axillary line on one side curving under the sternum, and continuing to the opposite anterior axillary line. My breathing slightly hitches due to my conciseness. Blood remains inside due to the position but starts a burning sensation. I look down at the smile type of shape, though a frown staring back at me due to staring down at it. WIP NOT DONE

PRIDE MONTH STORYTIME!!
          Just a silly story I think about sometimes and I slightly giggle ^^
          
          Okay so in science class we were using our computers because we were like supposed to take notes or something, and ofc me and my friend were talking lmao, my friend is gay so I ask him, “wait when is the gay month?” He said, “June I think” so I replied, “oh!! I’m going to check anyways,” so I open a tab and search up, ‘when is the gay month’ AND MY TEACHER GLARED OVER AT ME AND SAYS, “————— please close your computer.” LMAO ANYWAYS THATS A RUNNING JOKE IN MY FRIEND GROUP NOW, anyways jokes aside I luv that teacher still <33