just Iva

I wanna go back in time

I can't sleep and have to wake up in 4 hours :(

I wanna go back to 3 years ago.. life was so much easier back then 

I don't care if people forgive me, because I will never forgive myself 

I am truly a bad person 

So I just found out that people at my work are talking behind my back and saying that one of my colleagues and I have something while I have a bf and he's married and with a child??? Wtf I'm not like that :((

Am I truly such a bad person? 

I wanna buy some cute ass lingerie but can't bc my work stopped bc of the stupid virus ;n;

In the last two days I have accomplished 2 of my let's call them goals. To get drink while out with friends and to watch/read Pride & Prejudice. Yesterday I went out with my closest friends, we partied and drank throughout the whole night and today I watched P&P. 

Nobody can imagine how meaningless my life has become after I graduated. While I was at school, those last years my one and only wish was to graduate and get the fuck away from school and have nothing to do with it anymore. I was so done mentally with it all that I didn't think about how hard it will be to find work, that things might get very hard for me mentally (yet again) and that I will bring that whole misery with me as emotional bagge in every new beginning. I ruin my own relationships bc of my own insecurities. Nevermind if I've had an abusive past relationship mentally or physically bc I was the one inflicting more damage on my inner self than anyone else. I find communication important in a relationship but can't even be 100% honest because I know that with the mental state I'm in I will not keep some things to myself and make myself even more scared of other's opinions. 
          
          
          Sorry for the rant I had to let go of this because this breakdown has been one of the worst since October