JanVK0112

I hate myself right now.
          
          I'm procrastinating like a dumb ash. I have lots on my plate rn but I couldn't get myself to focus on anything like literally arghhh.
          
          I have research paper to submit by the end of the month and an article to write aaand also have to write a report for my internship. All this, but I haven't started a single thing. I'm just being a lazy ash and just laying on the bed like a stupid arghh idk I want to do everything but I end up doing nothing.
          
          I have to move myself or else all my hardwork will be going vain at the last moment. I came this far but I couldn't move a little more. *sigh*
          
          Also I want to write too, but I couldn't bring myself to move my limbs at all. I mean I have it perfectly in my mind but couldn't put it down in the paper or anywhere at all. It feels like I'm stuck and no matter how much I try to move, it's just I couldn't move. 
          
          Maybe I'm not trying enough. But how much is that 'enough'? 
          
          I think I have to try taking small steps. If I think I'm a super hero who can just grab everything all at once then I'm gonna be doomed for sure.
          
          One by one. Huh. Yeah. Small steps.
          *Deep breath*
          *exhale*
          *inhale*
          
          Good night huh!

I wanna write so bad but I couldn't *sigh* 
          
          Let me get my hands on my laptop then I'll finally get over this mental block *nodding furiously*

I did it

I can feel the clench in my chest and it hurts literally.
          
          I can never be a good friend lest a good partner and I don't know what to do with all the feelings I'm feeling right now for this one guy.
          
          I could never be enough no matter how much his light chase away all my shadows I'll never be the one to stay.
          
          It's surely not jealousy but envy is more cruel because it hurts more than jealousy could ever burn. Jealousy can bring them closer or push them away but envy has the power to destroy oneself.
          
          I feel like crying but all I can feel is the lump in my throat. It just hurts. And I don't know what I'm going to do at all.

Reality loves to slap on the face ig *sighs*
          
          Chat he is soo out of league. So it's better to just give up I suppose. I tried not to look at him in the class today and I kind of accomplished it by yk with efforts. 
          
          But hey, his smile.. I could give my heart and I almost did.
          (Typical me)
          
          The thing is I don't speak the language he speaks (I understand that only to some extent though) and he.. I don't know in every way he is so far to reach.
          
          He is.. umm he is just perfect. Like PERFECT.
          
          Gentleman? Yes
          Studious? Yes
          Intelligent? Yes
          Humour? Yes
          Sportive? Yes
          Handsome? Oh God!
          
          Perfect? Oh fvcking yes!
          
          And that is why he is out of league for me. I'm nothing of what he is. Not even close to it. *Sighs*
          
          Guess what? I thought it will be better to admire him from afar but as days passing, I can feel the stupid heart of mine is getting greedy. Now it seems that it will be better to just give up.
          
          

-> Continued 
          
          Then a guy happened *big sigh* man that was.. umm not sure how to put it. I wrote poems for him. Not like one or two but fvcking 35 poems.
          
          And that too for a guy who I never had a single conversation with (Chat I'm cooked) and yk what's the beeesst part? I'm not even in love with him. I like him, yes. But I feel like it's too much for liking. I'm so stupid I couldn't even say a hi to him but he is such an extrovert like soo extrovert that almost the whole college knows him, he smiles at me (like 2 times he did (I saw only those times because mostly I walk by hanging my head down, never looking at people's face)) then said hello twice so far (that too he did) *sighs* (I know I'm gone.)
          
          Ok the main reason for me to write this to journal about the pov I'm writing rn. Umm I saw a post which triggered my high poetry brain then when I was reading a case, it triggered the quite rage in me which lead me to write whatever I'm writing. Hoping this time I could improve.
          
          A lot happened and still I'm so fvcking well and I'm laughing, writing everyday, at least doing something.
          
          IT'S ME AND BTS HAAHA-HAH-HA-HA HOOLIGAN AGAINST THE WORLD.
          
          Anyway, stream ARIRANG and have fun fellas!!⁠♡

Woah it's been long.
          
          I can't believe lot of things happened in such a short time.
          
          First of all, ARIRANG happened. Man, I'm still deep into the album and I love every single songs. Very bangtan coded.
          
          And I can't still wrap my head around the album but then again today it was the beginning of their tour. I can't believe we came such a long way.. I'm so fvcking happy tbh. They deserve all the goodness in the world.
          
          And college happened *slams the head on the wall* 
          If it's not for BTS, I would've lost my mind atp. The amount of stress?? Are they kidding me? I mean they are just blackmailing every single time with attendence and I'm fvcking done with that shit *sigh*
          
          All this apart, I decided to watch a kdrama because it's been so long since I watched one. I don't even remember what I watched recently. So I thought I could start from "Bloody Flower" and man? That shit was so incredible and got me hooked up with the first ep itself. And nothing predictable happened like the whole drama was so good. 
          
          So with that contentment, my stupid mind thought, "we can watch something similar to it" it's great right? Yeah and that's how I ended up crying for the whole time like man??? It is a crime thriller and since when those stories started making people cry??? I was into like for 7 eps and I lost it. (It has 20 eps and I was not aware of it *crying in small*) 
          
          -> continued

POV :
          
          Why do I keep repeating it even when they said it is forbidden?
          
          I keep visiting his memories even when the
          paths are said to be forbidden.
          I keep seeing him in my dreams even when the
          illusions are said to be forbidden.
          I keep spilling my tears for him even when the
          emotions are said to be forbidden.
          I still keep loving him even when the
          feelings are said to be forbidden.
          
          Is it his fault or mine when all we yearned
          for was to be together?
          Why is it only called a sin when
          it comes to love of the same kind?
          They started blaming whatever I learned
          only to neglect that I was falling like a feather.
          Tell me, is it his fault or mine
          when it is love that kept us both blind?
          
          This distance is what everyone demanded
          and what they preached would be the “cure.”
          But what is the point when I'm abandoned
          by the home that was warm and only pure?
          What is the point when the only thing that landed
          was pain and the weight of his memories for me to endure?
          
          But hey, I'm alive and that's what matters, right?
          Because no one cares if I'm fine or not.
          My heart and soul are longing for light
          in the form of those doe eyes, and I miss him a lot.
          It feels like waiting for a train that
          I'm restricted to enter but hoping to be able to file a motion to vacate.
          
          No matter the miles that are in between us,
          my thoughts always end up on him like the waves return to the sea.
          No matter the hate that's been thrown,
          I'll always end up at his feet like moths to the light.
          No matter how many holy books called us a fall from grace,
          if at the end of the day it's him I return to, then let me never get redemption.
          
          ~ By
               Yours truly.
          
          

Welcome to the family, Bloom's! You're one of us now , your name's Bloom too! 
          
          Thanks for joining me on this journey. I hope my stories bring you joy, inspiration, and a mix of drama, humor, and cuteness! 
          
          Please support me by reading, voting, and commenting it truly means the world. 
          
          Stay strong, stay bright, and know you're never alone. You've got me now. 
          
          Borahae! ♥️✨
          

People were really sick in their mind I guess.
          
          WHO IN THE HELL WOULD DO THAT?? AND TO A KID??? FOR FUCK SAKE SHITT MAN
          
          I questioned my life yeah still doing but really now I'm literally questioning the whole humanity. It's so sick and disgusting how do they even think of it lest do it???
          
          I recently read a twitter au, it was supposed to be fun and I thought ok it was just a au what bad could it have in it right? 
          
          BUT MAN THOSE THINGS HAPPENING IN REAL LIFE IS SO SICK AND WHAT IS THE GOVERNMENT EVEN DOING ??? THOSE PEOPLE ARE IN POWER, INVINCIBLE GIVES CHILLS TO ME NOW. ARGHHH WHY DO THINGS JUST HAVE TO HAPPEN WHEN I'M GROWING UP??
          
          FROM CORONA TO NOW I'M TIRED OF THIS FUCKING LIFE. I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH THIS LIFE.
          
          I'm praying for those kids and helpless people to be safe. It's like the stupid creatures (they can't be human atp) are demons waiting to suck these people's soul it's so fucking sick.
          
          The only thing I'm grateful like beyond grateful is that me being born in the same era as BTS. Otherwise who cried for this life? *Sigh*
          
          Anyway, I read a book and made it a fanfiction for others to read it. Is it good? Idk but I loved the book and now should I sleep arhh it's 5.30 in the morning, I have classes at 9 but I haven't had a wink of sleep now what am I supposed to do?? 
          
          Arghhhh I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE!!