LovelyTriniti

I hate when I can't sleep because I'm remembering when a racist bitch wouldn't let me into my apartment complex when I like 12-13. I so badly wish I had said something, called her a racist bitch to her face or even tell her to call the police if she's that worried. But I was so shocked and I just felt so embarrassed and ashamed when I didn't do anything wrong, I was just trying to get home. I didn't do anything wrong and I had all the evidence to prove it but I was just too scared to say anything.

Yet another rant. If you've ever watched Girl Meets World there this one episode pretty early in the show. This girl Maya receives a F on her essay I think, well the teacher is her best friend's dad okay. Maya doesn't really have a dad, from what I remember he left her and her mom when she was really young, had a whole new family and then later in the show tried to reconnect with her (in a really shitty way imo). This is just need to know background. Now my dad is similar to Maya's dad, he was constantly absent, I never felt connected with him and frankly I don't want to anymore. I've only had my mom, she never remarried, never had boyfriends so I didn't grow up with a father figure at all. I have a very vicious internal reaction to feeling that I've "failed", I know logically they're not really failures but that doesn't change the pain I get when I've failed, and if I failed my mom in any way it's feels like an excruciating inner pain. I'm saying all this because I think that's what happened with Maya. She failed an assignment which got her mind running constantly that she's stupid, she's not enough, she's failed again, she's done it again, he's gonna leave because she messed up again. Now remember when I said her best friends dad is her teacher, he's also at the moment the only person she has as a father figure, in her mind her father figure thinks she's a failure, thinks all those things that she's thinking. Obviously he is not thinking that at all, he doesn't think she's stupid or that she's not good enough, and honestly a part of her probably knows that but the much bigger scarier part that screaming at her all these nasty things that she is or isn't, is louder everytime. Anyways my actual rant is why does it feel that everytime I read a book about that episode do people just minimize, ignore, downplay, or act like she's being overdramatic about it. It's heartbreaking, connecting with a character like this and then there's not a sliver of empathy from people.

How is it I am surrounded by people most of the week yet I still feel so alone

This is my 10:37pm conclusion on my essay about goals and success. I was very tired and irate, and obviously couldn't submit this, so here it goes with all my other rants.
          My life isn't complete yet. How can I write a conclusion on something that's not finished yet? I've accomplished a lot. I graduated with a GPA I didn't think was possible for me. I dragged myself out of a pit of self-sabotage and despair. I took care of my dog in her last weeks, even though I was nowhere near ready to be without her. I applied for college even though I’m grieving and terrified of being back in that pit. I’m going to try my hardest to get into *a college* because I can't imagine being anywhere else. I don't know yet if I'm going to be a vet or the exact name of the career I want, but I will figure it out. I’m going to improve my creative writing. I don't know if I’ll publish a book, but I'm going to improve. I’m going to lose weight and be healthier because I need to accomplish my goals. I've done a lot and I will do more. That’s my ultimate Success.

I don't know if Wattpad gives Authors notifications when people just change where they put their stories but just incase they do. Firstly I'm sorry, I wanted to move those stories quietly and without alerting you. Secondly you might be wondering why it's called that and what do I mean. Sorry this is probably going to get a little long. Recently I've decided that even tho Harry Potter is one of my special interests I can't keep supporting well you know if you know. 3 or 4 years ago I would've just thought 'At least I'm not giving her money, I'm not going to real life Diagon Alley (tho I'm sure it's quite beautiful), I'm not buying books or merch, I'm just reading fanfics (typically those that fix my biggest issues with canon) and occasionally watching YouTube or TikTok!' and at the time I thought 'It's okay, I'm not with her in any capacity, I don't agree with her at all, I just like bare minimum of Harry Potter added onto by other creators.' I'm now uncomfortable in my compliancy. So I decided that even tho it'll be hard I will never forgive myself if I don't stop feeling like I'm contributing to her no matter how little it feels. I know every chapter I read gives her something whether that's money, recognition, a boost in the algorithm, it gives her power at the very least. So the best way I could think of to distance myself while also having the ability to one day when she is gone and cannot hurt anyone anymore, when I can feel easier reading my fanfics again because they truly are something I love is to I guess put them and any stories I stumble upon into a single reading list and not open it till she is gone. I want to say very clearly that I'm not shaming or judging you for reading or writing Harry Potter. Do what you are most comfortable with. Do what's best for you. I'm just not comfortable anymore and I need to do what's best for me just like I hope you would do what's best for you.

Tell me why did I tell ChatGPT not to reduce this lady.
          For context I'd like to make this character in the future for Sims, I'm not super knowledgeable on the show so I asked ChatGPT to help me figure out some skills. ChatGPT got her mixed up with another character I corrected it by saying something along the lines of "no not Jennifer, Jessica Max's Ex Wife." It then proceeded to limit her in my opinion as a homemaker and caregiver.
          I told it exactly "Stop. Please review who Jessica Randy is in the show and not reduce her to only Max's ex wife." It then corrected it's self to "I apologize for the misunderstanding! You're right to point out that Jessica Randy in Banana Fish is much more than just Max's ex-wife. Jessica Randy is a more nuanced character. She's a journalist who is linked to Max Lobo, but she is also independent, strong-willed, and not afraid to get involved in the complex world" I feel both ashamed and proud of myself.

hi dearie!! just wanted to say tysm for adding hopscotch to ur tbr and i hope u enjoy it <33

Saw another horrible comment literally a min ago. For context a book updated about 5 hours ago. So one of the comments was along the lines of " a fed child is better and healthier than not feeding them something cause it's 'unhealthy' " I agree with this comment. Fed is Best. Now for even more context as to why I'm so upset, I'm AuDHD. I know as a child and especially when I was a toddler and younger I was very "picky" with my food. The best way I can explain it is that I couldn't eat certain textures and tastes and there were times when I wanted nothing else than the same 1-3 meals. It still happens to this day. It doesn't last forever and it didn't when I was younger either. For  Example about two months ago I only wanted to eat mashed potatoes (at my age I'm able to mix it up so I would still be eating differing and filling meals). Another Example is in the last 2 weeks I've only wanted to drink Chocolate Oat Milk even when I had water, tea, and soda available. It's only dwindled down a day or so ago. My mom is also AuDHD and has similar issues so she gave me what I would eat. Fed is best. When I was old enough to understand she taught me the same, when I inevitably have children Fed is Best. Of course try to feed your children healthy meals but if for whatever reason they can't eat it, Fed is Best. Now for the horrible comment "^ expect those kids on my 600 pound life"... Fuck You. Just absolutely Fuck You. That comment to me is saying that every kid with dietary needs, every autistic kid, every neurodivergent kid, every picky eater, every struggling parent, every mother who can't pump no matter how hard they try is fat or fattening their kid. That's so fucking hurtful

Hi. I see you have been upvoting my story(Thanks for enduring it although looking back, its quite cringe, aint it?) Any feedback?
          
          Just to give a heads up, the writing only tones down the cringe towards the last parts of Book 2.

Saw a horrible comment today (that was posted 5 months ago so no excuse to be ignorant imo) it said "straight just say straight" and it bothered me so bad. For context it was on a section for amab's sexuality which was Bisexual with a preference for women. I wrote one comment feeling very confident that I would post it but ultimately just put it in my clipboard. I don't want to fight people (definitely not online) especially on things that I'm 98% sure about. I kept looking thru other comment sections on the same chapter and saw a few more comments on other sexualities (like Omni) that were by the same person and others with similar opinions ig, I wrote another shorter comment, also put that in my clipboard. I'll put it here since I know no one will see it. First comment I made : "I'm a bi woman with a preference for women and a boyfriend who I love very much. Thank you author for representation of the immense spectrum of LGBTQ+! I'm not lesbian like the comment below me would impose. I'm a bi woman (whose also demi) who usually finds women more attractive. Sexuality isn't typically 50/50 to my knowledge at least." 
          My second comment: "Not loving the comment section so far, it's giving 'people should fit in one box!' and that's just not how sexuality works". 
          Some part of me still wants to post this in that commenters replies or even just in the comment section, maybe it'll soothe others that feel the same as I did but I'm a coward so I'll just block her and move on.