Milton Marmalade

If you take yourself lightly you may one day be able to fly  :)
          
          PM me for a FREE copy of 'Milton Marmalade's Remarkably Silly Stories for Grown-ups,' The book is now available from Amazon and bookshops for $5.99 but this special FREE offer is for Wattpad followers!  Please read the amazing deal here: https://www.wattpad.com/621284142-silly-stories-print-edition-now-available-get-a

Check my blog on https://miltonmarmalade.blogspot.com/ for information about my forthcoming book, 'Milton Marmalade's Remarkably Silly Stories for Grown-ups' and its cover design.

Hail Fishy Followers!
          
          Why are you holding back? Is it because you suspect an evil plot by me, Milton Marmalade, not known for anything more evil than spilling jam on his socks?
          
          I shall attempt to allay your fears.
          
          Indeed, when anyone offers me a 'special offer' I always ask myself, 'what's in it for them? Will evil hairy demons come and recite poetry that they have written themselves through my letterbox while I am trying to watch 'The Real Housewives of Chipping Sodbury'?' 
          
          Well, the reason I am offering a free copy of 'A Mermaid in the Bath' is in the hope that it will get more reviews on Amazon, and those who do put a review on Amazon will also get a copy of my nearly-completed new book, 'Milton Marmalade's Remarkably Silly Stories for Grown-Ups,' which contains material not available here on Wattpad.
          
          So I have decided that if you don't want to give out a postal address, you could just send me your email and I will send you an electronic copy in Kindle format, or failing that iBook or even pdf for your delectation and amazement. Please state the format or device on which you will be reading when requesting.
          
          So don't hang about, the offer is still open, as long as I decide it is!
          
          Your Mermaid-loving friend,
          
          Milton Marmalade

Further to yesterday's missive, 'ready' can mean simply 'prepared,' but in the spelling 'rede' it used to mean 'subject to wise counsel,' and 'redeless' (or 'unready,' as in the English king 'Ethelered the Unready'), the opposite. So King Ethelred didn't listen to wise advice. Which is odd, because the name 'Aethel Raed' (Ethelred) means literally 'noble counsel.' So 'Ethelred the Unready' literally means 'Wise advice who didn't listen to wise advice.' Or maybe the 'raed' simply cancels out, leaving just 'Ethel.' But whoever heard of an English king called Ethel?
          
          Perhaps Ethelred had had the opportunity to get the Old English version of 'A Mermaid in the Bath' ('Merewif in bæþ') absolutely FREE but was momentarily distracted by marauding Vikings.
          
          Don't make the same mistake, chums!

T-i-m-e  is  m-o-v-i-n-g  very  s-l-o-w-l-y. But don't let that fool you.
          
          I can sense the beginnings of a mighty incoming tide of requests for a FREE copy of 'A Mermaid in the Bath,' presaged by just the tiniest ripple on the shore of fortune, a tentative trickle before the flood. 
          
          Just so, I have so far sent out two free copies of my book, so now there are only four free copies still to be had, unless you use the phrase 'love and peace, dude,' or 'cough up now, you mildewed mountebank!' in which case I might be persuaded to send out another four making ten in all.
          
          To remind you, as obviously you were not paying attention the first time (except for my two mermaid-loving fans who were ready, both in the modern and the middle English meanings of that term), anyone who gets one of my FREE copies and subsequently writes a review (number of stars not specified) on Amazon will also get a FREE copy of my forthcoming book of silly stories as soon as it is available. 
          
          To be clear, the only time is NOW. Memory is elusive, time fugitive, intention often weak and forgetful. The only time in which you have POWER is NOW. This is the only time in which magic is possible!
          
          PM me any address in the world where mermaids are legal and I shall send your FREE copy. You know you want to. 
          
          Milton Marmalade

Dear Fishy Afficionadoes,
          
          I can't believe it! Not one of my 471 followers (this means you) has taken me up on the offer of a totally FREE copy of the paperback edition, illustrated with pictures of tastefully naked mermaids and interspersed with fishy vignettes, of 'A Mermaid in the Bath'! 
          
          I can only assume that each of you thought, 'Aha! There will be such a stampede that the six FREE books are already taken and I have no chance (=sob=).' Well, you see what happens when you go with the crowd! Nothing much, that's what.
          
          What is more, if you get the book and write an honest review on Amazon (irrespective of the number of stars), which you can do without buying anything, I shall also send you a copy of my forthcoming volume of Silly Stories (provisional title), once again ABSOLUTELY FREE. 
          
          All you have to do is private message me a working postal address, anywhere in the world where mermaids are legal. In line with European data protection do-dah I shall only retain your postal address for as long as it takes to send you your free books and shall delete it from my in-box and any other data retrieval system over which I have power on demand from you, or on sending your last free book, whichever is sooner, otherwise the European data protection cops will certainly treat me unpleasantly.
          
          I may - at my entire discretion - decide to increase the number of free books to ten if the request includes one of the phrases 'pretty please' or 'fish finger to you, you utter mountebank!'
          
          Yours like bleached driftwood in the littoral zone (something strange yet familiar washed up from the sea),
          
          Milton Marmalade

Greetings Mermaid-lovers everywhere!
          
          I am offering a FREE copy of the paperback edition of ‘A Mermaid in the Bath’ to the first six of my followers (or indeed anyone who chances upon this message) who supply a postal address anywhere in the world. In exchange I shall depend on the honesty of your soul that you will write an honest review on Amazon, even if is not a 5-star review. 
          
          In addition when I finally get around to publishing my volume of Silly Stories I shall send a free copy to whomever has written an Amazon review as a result of this offer. 
          
          If you contact me for this I shall keep your details long enough to send you ‘Silly Stories’ in due course unless you advise me otherwise. 
          
          If you want to take me up on this, do not reply here but PM me instead (so that the whole world doesn’t have your details). 
          
          Please do not apply if you are under the age deemed proper for a book that mentions nipples in your jurisdiction. 
          
          Your fishy friend,
          
          Milton Marmalade 
          
          

Hi. Thanks for checking out my book. Much appreciated.

Hello again Saucy Sea Cucumbers everywhere!
          I have a question for you all. 
          Do you think that the thrilling adventure that is A Mermaid in the Bath would benefit from the removal of all the philosophical ramblings between chapters (including Myfanwy’s complaints) and re-issuing as a slimmer and considerably cheaper paperback? (I can’t make the Kindle edition any cheaper.)
          Your fishy friend,
          Milton Marmalade 
          http://miltonmarmalade.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1

Well, whatever next: https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/aug/04/experience-professional-mermaid-st-ives