Call Me Scum

Of course, I have already made an appointment with someone I hope can help me, but realistically won't be able to do shit. 
          
          Because once again, 
          
          I can't get better if I don't want to put in the work myself. 
          You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themself. Someone who convinces themself that they can't help themself.
          
          Someone who just wallows in their own fucking self-loathing and self-pity. I've recognised the pattern, I always have in others. And my eyes are open to myself now. But I won't save myself. No one cares anyways. And the world is overpopulated. One more or one less, who cares? 
          
          Don't fucking come at me with the motivational shit. I've used psychology to trick myself into being happy for so long that it just doesn't work anymore. Frankly, I'm not even sure what's real and what's fake. 
          
          I've got a massive, constant headache. 
          
          All I wanted to hear before was a validation of my emotions and feelings. And not a "your feelings are valid" type thing. Just.. a fucking recognition. Not some, "be glad you're still alive" or a "you're mature for your age" or a "wow! You survived. Celebrate that instead of being a sad fuck" Or whatever the fuck. 
          
          Anyways. This is getting out of hand and off topic. 

Twelve years of depression repression and passive suicidal ideation has finally caught up with me. I've messed up to the point that I'm not just hurting myself but also the people around me. I can't stand myself. 
          
          I know that I'm a selfish, narcissistic, self-centred, egotistical, pessimistic scumbag. And I don't even do anything to change that. I'm not a good person. I don't believe that there ever was a point in time that I was a good person. I can't remember ever being a good person. 
          
          I take everything for granted. I always have. I've always been handed everything on a silver platter. And in the beginning I flourished because of it. I was skilled. And I... matured because of my circumstances. That's how everyone sees it anyways. Really, I just learnt how to lie, deceive and extort others, and I enjoyed it. 
          
          And then when the same thing happened to me because I seemed validation and acceptance, I just blamed the world for it. It's always been everyone and everything else. Because I'm too perfect to make mistakes. 
          
          I can't even say "sorry" without feeling disgusted that I have to say it. And for so long I thought it was guilt. But what do I have guilt over if I don't even mean it when I apologise? It must be disgust. Whether it's for me or for the person I'm apologising to, I don't know. But it was disgusting. 
          
          Ultimately, my demise was my own doing. 
          I never told anyone, because I weaved too many lies. 
          And even now in telling the truth, I just keep it vague because to give details is to admit I was wrong and weak. And that is something I can only do to myself. 

Wattpad is my Tumblr. 
          
          Wattpad is my Tumblr
          
          Guys i repeat. This is my epiphany. Wattpad is my Tumblr!! 
          
          
          (But Tumblr and ao3 have better, scarierr, more unhinged fics.
          
          
          Also to it's been so long since I went on FanFiction.net
          
          Anyways I got a Spotify playlist for y'all to listen to, if you care:
          https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4CW5qItqGW3PxYe63ZRBHs?si=8aOFi_qARfm00IPO3zUJkA&pi=e-YAHVgiWPSQ6-
          
          "No Spotify. This is Angry Rage" (feel free to reply with songs to add to it)

Felt bad so I made jam impulsively and a cake. 
          
          Jam is of kumquat. 
          
          Bro I'd kill for the season to be all year round

I'm going on a date and I don't know who to tell which is kinda sad if you think about it, but it's the first date I'm going to since breaking up with my first relationship. And the first date I'm going on with someone I basically just met. 
          
          We're going to eat pasta.
          I'm excited and nervous. 
          
          Shit dawg. I can't remember being like this since that one time in primary school when I asked out my crush (pro tip: never do that).
          
          Anyways. My date said that he loves my energy and how I try to keep conversations going. (I just talk a lot when I'm nervous.) We've only texted too. Like he hasn't met me irl yet. I'm spookedd lowkey*. I suck at real life conversing. Fuck man, idk what to talk about. 
          
          *=Might be because I don't think I deserve to be loved.
          I'm kind of afraid that I'd be emotionally unavailable. 
          And I'm pretty fuckkkngg complicated. My life's a mess. Way more a mess than your average Ainsel or Felicia. (The usage of somewhat uncommon names is supposed to emphasize how my mess isn't like the average person, and no this isn't a pick-me or im quirky girl attempt. I'm actually scared and nervous.)

Lmfao, for legal reasons. Every FANFIC of mine that has "steal this and I will take action" in the description is bs. I am not one to gatekeep. Anymore. 
          
          Anyways, please just ask me if you can use the idea or whatever or just say "yo I saw your stuff and it inspired me, can you tell me what you think uwuwuwuwu" (dramatised for funny purposes). 
          
          I mean, I wrote I think my first or second fanfiction ever because of an other fanfic. But the author privates all their works and only roleplays in dm's now. Still. I have this one remnant in my bookmark library on Quotev. 

I'm so close to just going to ao3, because Wattpad could never (though I love being able to have a book cover, I ain't a graphic designer)

Matthew Perry never got to see the fnaf movie. Dang, that's crazy.

MATTHEW PERRY IS DEAD?!?! 

Bro i’ve got cat hair all over my body