SerenityStreetlight

My heart aches. Please just take it away. I’d rather rip it out and crush it to become particles in the wind than continue to suffer through this bullshit existence. 

Negativity haunts my days and nights. Is it even possible to do anything right? 

I’m too much. I wish I wasn’t so much. Why why why. 

Will being me ever be enough for you? I try to do the things you like even when I hate them. I try to go where you want to go even when I’d rather be home. I try to make you happy every day and still it’s never enough. Tell me, will I ever be enough for you? Or am I doomed to live in this constant state of heartbreak? Doomed to endlessly make the same mistake after mistake after mistake. And in between each rough patch there’s a small window where I get a much needed break. But the pause doesn’t last long before the sun has moved on. A shadow sweeps over the last patch of hope. And I’m once again drowning in the endless sea of misery that I emote. 

“The night covers my tears, but my heart is still aching after all these years.” 
          -Courtney Peppernell
                   -Pillow Thoughts II
                              -Healing the Heart

I’m sorry for being a bit much. I feel things bigger than most people and I know that can be a lot for a person, let alone a group. But I love you and I appreciate your patience as you now deal with this side of me. 

I’m so incompetent. Can’t even do the simplest of tasks without making everything worse. I am a mess. I’m an actual sludge of living breathing sewage. Why am I even here amongst the sweet scented river bank? All I do is pollute it’s natural beauty. 

You’ve always been black and purple to me. Those are the colors you want the world to see. But for one split second, I saw you for the green that you really are. And now I can never see you as black and purple again. Not now that I’ve seen the true colors of a supposed friend. 

I’m feeling some sort of way for no reason. I mean, there is a reason. But it’s a stupid ass reason! So it shouldn’t even count. Like, stop being dumb brain. 

Im just so tired. I’m tired of masking. I’m tired of pushing through. I’m tired.