g.e.e.

There's a whole section of ?? what in hindsight seem to be a collection of love poems to girls i had crushes on through middle/ high school.... god i'm an oblivious fuck munch you can practically TASTTTEE the "we were just such good friends I would do anything for her and i love everything about her and she's so pretty i see summer when i look at her yes this is normal i'd die for her i'd do it that's fine that's just strong feminine friendship right? right??" in the comments i wrote to myself, and then we're straight into my overly supportive ally phase with winnie cove that gradually morphed into winnie cove AND giselle tuesday, legendary lesbians (although this ship happened much later), and then, surprise surprise, MORE nonhuman/ more than human female characters, probably in a misguided but not entirely useless effort to create more role models of femininity for myself that ultimately ended up projecting genderlessness or all the gender on them (fun fact, i think you can actually also see the internalized homophobia/ transphobia kicking in and showing up in other characters, especially making the men almost animalistic and brutal and cruel, perhaps as my unconscious brain reacted to what i had written and tried to convince me that stereotypical masculine character features were really flaws in anybody, myself included so don't you dare look to men as role models for how to behave in society?? maybe maybe? and i ofc wouldn't have even noticed the transphobia at that point in time bc i didn't have a name for it or know about it), this period also included a startling amount of bisexuality as well, which i can see from time stamps that i went back in and added scarily gradually, probably as I started learning more about myself too and ofc after that is more sketchy poetry
          
          Just sayin-- there's a fuck ton you can find out from your old writing, and happiness can definitely come from knowledge of self. Stay safe and REREAD YOUR OLD SHIT <33

YOO fun psa for anybody who writes-- CHECK. OUT. YOUR. OLD. WRITING.
          It's fucken FASCINATING. Was doing this the other day-- check out all I was able to find about myself in what I had written when viewing it objectively instead of taking it for fact as something already a part of myself: 
          so first i had this whole phase for years and years where there was no romance EVer in my writing (early indications of grey asexuality? possibly possibly), there was a section from about 2 years ago where I had a period of either writing my female characters as super butch and capable and as non frills as possible OR as nonhuman/ cryptid like (perhaps pointing to an already complicated relationship with gender and trying to find/ make characters that represented me? there's a very interesting area of gender studies surrounding nb people and how a startling number of them had childhood/ early adulthood fascinations with the nonhuman as a means of connection to a representative gender identity). 
          One especially interesting thing here was that there are extreMELY few male main characters AT ALL, in really any of the writing; there's a weird bit in the middle with some sketchy historical poetry, and then we're right back to non humanoid/ more than human characters, with only one ONE instance of heterosexual romance in 77 pages (and even then it was this deranged, post apocalyptic scientist kidnapping an alien-- still not exactly human OR the stereotypical idyllic heterosexual pairing; in fact, in my first encounter with writing hetero-romantic fiction, my instinct seemed to be to make it both toxic and harmful AND as non straight as a straight relationship can possibly be using subtext wow)

Thanks for the follow.