Ca11M3Mayb3

I was looking in the mirror right and I've got the broadest mother fucking shoulders. It's not ok honestly. And my tiddies are literally classified as small (thanks for the confidence boost bras n' things - not) and my hair is so thin it's honestly an insult. And then the lower half of me is just- the opposite?? Like I've got nice hips and really long, muscular legs. Like if I lost some more weight in my midriff I'd have an hourglass physique. And bae's always telling me how nice my ass is- so why?? Why must I be so disproportionate?! If you're gonna build my top half like a fridge make my whole body a fridge! Fuck genetics man, can't pull off butch or femme. (And yes I'm using lesbian terminology fuck off) 
          
          Anyways, that's my ramble, petition for us to all live in the metaverse so whenever I look in the mirror I don't see anything

Guys sexuality is getting really confusing over here.
          
          Cus you've got boys: whom I'm romantically and sexually attracted to.
          
          Then you've got lassies: who I'm only sexually attracted to (though my platonic relationships feel kinda romantic)
          
          And then you got mah inbetweeners: and it's not like I'm not attracted to them- you see some non-binary people and think yes please, but then you see other ones w like no difference and it's like no thanks? 
          
          Anyways- I'm going as bisexual but if can think of a better term lmk 
          
          I'd go as pansexual but the basis for that is you like personality and everything where I'm like yeah personality is great but my first impression is of the appearance.

I don't think you guys will believe me when I tell you this, but here goes.
          
          My bf has set any and all further standards for men so high it's not even funny. He's 6'1 and still growing, he's got mother FUCKING abs, he's the politest most consensual bent boi, and he's my pretty princess that quite literally does what ever I want. 
          
          I'm so fucked if we don't make it.

Ive ingested so much sugar I'm going to projectile vomit

Second, open wounds. 
          I'm still struggling with this so if any of you guys have more ideas lmk.
          The thing that works best for me is having multiple sores/focusing on the smallest one. If I've got five different sores then I focus all my attention on one of them while the rest get to heal. It's not ideal but it helps.
          
          Lastly, with my nails, I suggest either-
          False nails
          Gloves
          Plasters over my nails 
          Or
          Checking out what chronic nail bitters do to break their habits. 
          Being vein and feeling like short nails are ugly is my go to though.
          
          This is just some examples of sh, and I'm not saying any lesser known examples are less important than these ones. And please, if you aren't feeling very happy with life anymore, talk to someone. I'll happily listen and might have some advise, but professionals or family members might make you more comfortable. 
          
          Love you guys, take care of yourself<3

I think people tend to not understand what I mean when I bring up self hate. Like yeah, I despise my existence, but I'm not going to hurt myself over it? Not traditionally anyways. And this isn't a take on the 'i'm better than you because I don't cut myself' mindset because I despise anyone who thinks like that, I simply go about it differently.
          
          Let me explain:
          I don't cut myself because I swore off doing anything that resembles the path my mother went down.
          
          This doesn't diminish my feelings and certainly doesn't mean I'm mentally sound (don't tell my therapist).
          
          Instead of cutting I do other, less noticeable, less relatable, forms of sh.
          
          For instance, peeling my nails off. While yes this can be my autism it also plays into my desperation for relief. If my nails are peeled all the way back, sometimes to the point of bleeding, I get the satisfaction of inflicting harm onto myself without slitting my skin.
          
          Another example is refusing to let open wounds heal. Anytime I acquire a scrap, scab, sore, etc. it takes 7x the average healing rate. This is because I like to make myself suffer. The longer the wound stays open the more pain I'm in. 
          
          Noticing how my sh reasonings are similar to those with slit wrists? I do.
          
          Now this is DEFINATELY not a pity me post. I made this is share some of my tips to avoid creating these habits. 
          
          The first thing is for cutting yourself, and since I've never done it I'm not sure how well it'll work, but here's my attempt.
          
          Don't give yourself time/be lazy.
          Sure, I could cut myself with this knife, but that's more dishes for me to wash, and I've got no time/am too lazy to clean dishes. Sure, this razer/scissors might make some pretty patterns on my skin (jokes) but I'd rather not spend more time shaving/doing crafting. And besides, I don't have the energy to go and get those items.

Heeeeyyyy- I have more followers then you heheheheheheh

You know what sucks? When food isn't stimulating. No longer do I feast to quench my hunger, but to tantalise my withering taste buds. Yet I'm constantly forsaken! No longer is their meals of which peak my interest, the starchy taste of cardboard and parchment is all I know. 
          
          (Sorry for the weird speaking I'm still recovering from the vocabulary shock that reading tends to give me)

Gng sorry I haven't been mega active lol I'm just kinda busy but still love y'all and check my Wattpad atleast once a day so I'm still here if you need me<33

On October 21st I was having a crisis, battling with myself and issues regarding jealousy to everyone whose life worked out. Today, I've come to terms with the fact that I no longer need to be jealous, In fact I never needed to be jealous, because I'm surrounded by people who love me, and care for me, and everything in my life is exactly as it should be.