evanjcorbin

I found your critique request on LGBTQ+ Writers!  I'm happy to offer what I can.  My first developmental editor made me read the Art of Fiction.  I hated it, but it offered a few pointers I rely on and you may enjoy reading.  Here are my notes (the examples aren't specific to your story):
          
          1.	Don’t say “hostile maneuver” as it doesn’t show.  Say ‘thrash’.  We want to see a defined image, not one we have to imagine.  No abstraction.
          2.	Don’t say “creature” say “snake”
          3.	Avoid observational consciousness.  Not, “turning, she noticed,” but instead, “She turned.  In among the rocks, two snakes were fighting” or, better, “two snakes whipped and lashed, striking at each other.”  Verbs with auxiliaries “were fighting” are not as sharp.
          4.	Avoid “she noticed” or “she saw” as there’s always a better way to present the thing seen directly.  “She turned.  The putrid smell of vomit came before she found its source.”  Rely on action and dialogue.
          5.	Avoid passive voice.
          a.	Avoid “was bitten by”
          6.	Avoid use of introductory phrases with infinite verbs (‘-ing”), unless it’s used deliberately to slow down time and action.
          7.	Avoid needless explanation.
          8.	Take opportunities to describe nouns.  “she yanked off the garter, a frayed, mournful pink one long past its prime, indifferently obscene.”
          9.	When a verb ends in -ed, see if we should add “had” before it.
          10.	Careful with “Leaping from the couch, he seized the revolver from the bookshelf that stood behind the armchair.”  The “that” makes the sentence lose energy.
          11.	We are moved by characters and events, not the emotion of the person telling the story.

evanjcorbin

Just little suggestions in line with the guidance above (I don't want to add this in comments to your chapter because I think it could be construed as rude haha):
            
            1.  "She said in a happy tone."
            
            Here, I don't know what a happy tone is.  It reminds me of point #4, above.  Maybe, "She said, her voice shrill as she hopped up and down and clapped her hands like a cheerleader's pom poms.  That's just the first dumb example that came to mind, but I think it shows instead of tells.  It lets the reader conclude she was happy with an image, rather than telling me as directly.  
            
            2.  Similarly, you describe a girl as "odd" and go on to explain her pink hair, etc.  Perhaps it's unnecessary to say she's odd if the rest of the description lets the reader figure it out on their own.
            
            I don't know if this is helpful or the type of critique you were after, but if it's helpful, let me know--I'll share anything that may help!
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