something indeed happened with landon LOLLLL. what a nightmare. what a long situation of pure nothingness. I wonder if in the future, I will one day see myself as the villain. is the fact I wonder that possibility mean that I believe I am now?
Who knows. I'm involved with Jackie now, I do wonder how that pans out. Let me know!!
Seeing how I used to speak is ... totally cringing me out. I was such a baby lol. "i miss being a kid" says the fifteen year old. How i dont miss being him LMAO. I'm happy it got better.
I feel like even though I do better, I am still struggling. Who isn't? But, I just can't seem to shake this feeling of doom. BPD, of course... but it's infuriating that I cant seem to get words out of me. To tell people what I need to care for me, for me to feel warm and wanted. If I got those things, I'd be less annoying, which would make me feel less unloveable, but I can't seem to ever say it. They should already know--or maybe, they can't spit in my face after I've shown how fragile I am.
And I'm bitter, I'm mean and I'm hypocritical. The only person who could handle it was Alex. but, it's different when things are in person. Oh, Alex, the more life I live the more afraid I am. are my dreams of you just that? Dreams? Is it childish to believe you will absolve me of all of my flaws, of all of my fears? ... Maybe, but I also don't really believe you will. You will love me despite them.
But... I'm still scared you won't. but it's okay. it isnt a strong fear. I have to have confidence in it. I have nothing else to rely on but you, even if it is just the thought of you. The thought of you keeps me secure when I need it. The thought of you keeps me calm when I feel abandoned. The thought of you makes me feel seen when I am alone.
I love yoi
