Eighth

I just called my father for the 3rd time today, and with each beep I got more anxious, I was actually expecting exactly “ignorance “, and that’s what happened, I was once again ignored by him. No it wasn’t even hanging up, it was just being ignored… I wonder why did it hurt, it’s not like it doesn’t happen almost every day, but why does it hurt every single time, it’s weird how one can’t get used to their own life realities. 
          While calling, I saw my mom getting fully concerned, calling my brother about 15 times to come eat, and going to make ready everything that he’d need for eating, and while waiting for my father’s response “or ignorance “, I was thinking why it wasn’t the same for me, I was much more tired than him, slept much less than him, and probably hungrier that him since I wasn’t home for lunch and skipped, and when I arrived home there wasn’t anything to eat( it was finished), idk why i felt another wave of misery and heart then too, again, this’s absolutely not the first time, more like the normal daily routine, so…  it’s weird how one can’t get used to their own life realities…

At the family gathering today, it got to me for awhile, ahh maybe I’ve been unfair to my father, so i looked at him when he was talking, no no.. i stared at him with all the emotions i had inside, and, the awkward reactions he made made me realize that I’ve never been wrong.
          It has always been repeating inside my head even if i have ignored it most of the time “I watch the fathers with their little girls”, 
          and for me specifically “I watch my father with his little girl”, 
          I know I’m old enough to be over this,
          But I can’t help being jealous of that little girl.

And a moment of truth, there’s no but, there’s only you to blame darling… 
          Don’t lie to yourself.

I always say i’d shut up, i always say i’d stop talking, i always say i’d stop showing care for the close people, but i never do.. and these moments they make me realize that i didn’t shut it again and broke the promise to myself again, oh god how i hate myself for being too bad for myself.. i wanna say i’d stop it this time for real, but i always say. Never do.

7

Am i really that bad? Am i really that useless ? 
          Am i really what they say? 
          I thought i was doing good lately.. i thought at least today they’ll say “ oh you actually did good “, i thought he’d say hi back today, i thought and i thought and a lot of wrong i thoughts for today…

But yk I’m actually doing good, i just have to avoid this kind of stuff

I was in the car when he called , after he hanged up on me without letting me thank him for his “sweet word” my eyes were flowing with water .. i looked up to the black roof of the car, i didn’t let the drops of water fall.. 

I was in a medical course, one of the tutors was talking, he said “ when there’s someone who’s mentally ill and trying to kill themselves and have a dangerous thing with them never get close to them because your safety is the most important, this kind of people just hate themselves and every other single person in the world.. they’ll kill you then kill themselves, so never get close to save them “
          And then everything just stopped for me, i couldn’t hear what he said after that, i was in my head again.. 
          like how the hell he knew how i felt that accurately? I hated him and everyone in the room all over again..

About to hit rock bottom