#Gotta•Find•Ishmael

ALSO IK IM A FEW DAYS LATE BUTTTTTTTRR It’s national suicide prevention month. 
          This is your reminder that your loved and valued and needed here. No matter what has happened in the past, or may be happening in the present, know that you can get through this in one peice. Maybe it’s a person that’s hurting you, or yourself or you just feel absolutely alone and exhausted of waking up everyday. Maybe you feel like a burden to those you love, and you feel like going would be the most selfless choice you can make. But it’s not. I promise you it’s not worth it. Everyday you’re here you’re winning. It may not feel like it but with every breath you take, everytime you open your eyes even for a second or move a millimeter you are winning and know for that I am so proud of you. 
          I also wanted to send my remorse and love for those who have lost someone to suicide and those who have past, especially all the people that have died during the pandemic and the trans lives we loose daily. To the people we lost in the gaming fandom due to bullying, we miss you and remember you. 
          
          Me personally, im lucky enough to have not met anyone that has “successful” committed suicide, but I myself have tried in the past and many of my friends have failed as well. 
          Know that there is hope and that you are loved, and would be missed. I love you. 
          Xx- AJ 
          (I go by Aj btw) 
          {Ik I have a small following but everyone of you matter and I truly hope this meant something to someone. know that I’m here if anyone wants to talk xx}

Life Update:-
          crush came out as aromatic. I’m so very incredibly proud of her and I truly hope everyone treats her with the kindness and love she deserves. It definitely hurts but as long as she’s happy I’m happy for her yk? 

Hello in case you are interested in reading, don't forget to check my latest book "The Last Turn - The journey is yet to begin."
          
          Link is given below
          
          https://www.wattpad.com/story/276742400?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create&wp_uname=Twistedpearl&wp_originator=URfvd1IioU%2FtMRVvg62uEiTacqM4JuFxu4qfyCrnkSs%2FGFvpBvUfNxOleOVHFYwbg60tjAdze8pr5ehBOH3mMXoBnHhwgBSMHnnoJdf275aeoCqf6z2xhuc9dUZvZXUV

OK so the post below I’m not sure if I press the button where it says to notify followers but yeah those two are together for a small rant about my current crush on a girl in class 
          
          The moral of the story I’m screwed because I have a dentist appointment Wednesday where they’re gonna have me under laughing gas because they’re taking out my teeth. WHAT IF I SPILL ABT MY CRUSH TO MY MOTHER GUYS????? yes I’m out but we’ve had many rough patches bc she thinks I’m confused on being queer- says I hope you wind up with a man. Which ouch but besides the point. So I’m very scared so does anyone know ways to knock myself out enough so I don’t talk  (),,,,,,,,:???

OK so I had a really funny pick up line the other day so I said it was emo hours because my manic episode kind of just fell to shambles out of nowhere and she was like it can’t be emo hours on a Sunday at 3 PM in the afternoon and I was like can I tell you a really funny pick up line and she said should I go for it and I said my emo hours or when I’m not with you. 
          YOU GOT TO ADMIT THAT WAS SO GOOD GUYS I WAS SO PROUD 
          she said LMAOAGWYAU THAT WAS RLLY RLLY GOOD
          I said you got anything better and she was like I could definitely top you. I’ve been told im a pro at it by now- 
          HOW WAS I SUPPOST TO NOT TAKE THAT AS AN INNUENDO 
          I LITTERALLY STARTED HYPERVENTILATING AND I SLAP MY HAND TO MY MOUTH SO HARD IT HURT FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES AFTER GUYS
          and I was like wow OK that was really smooth you win
          And she was like wait what I’m confused
          And I said there is no way you didn’t realize the innuendo u just said 
          And she went OH WAIT- 
          I died of embarrassment but later realized 
          that maybe she did that on purpose and she wanted me to explain to her that joke so she could see my mind set or not and I’m just crazy? what do u guys think? 
          
          But yeah that was my story time 
          - next part

All right update on my life because why not
          
          HWISIGEYEIFJ
          okay okay calm so my friends are trying to convince me that she’s queer, but idk idk
          You guys tell me-
          Well I know you guys can’t tell me because you don’t know her but I shall explain
          She’s soft gurl vibes: button ups sweater over button ups plaid skirts high knees socks vans converse and winged eyeliner (omg it’s so good, I swoon over her eyeliner idk) shoulder length hair and butterfly clips holding smaller peices back 
          
          Do you know when I say that kind of out loud because I’m using the voice Taiper right now because I’m too lazy to actually use my fingers **I could’ve inserted a really dirty joke here but I didn’t you’re welcome, i’m so sorry why am I like this** she does sound a little bit ~~~~ but IDK IDK 
          
          how do you know if someone likes you? Bc I’m clueless- I don’t take hints- idk how ppl work-
          
          OK I’m gonna make another post because I’m gonna tell you some stuff that happened because my friends are sick of me talking about the same events over and over abt her

Also if anyone wants to give me advice that’d be greaaaattrt or to just chat or to bully me Yolo it lmao 
          
          So I met this girrrllll- Ik Ik yay me LMAO- my friends make fun of me all the time. She’s in my cw class and she’s a senior *im a Junior* and she’s so cute guys. I CANT - I’m dying. But anyways I’m getting queer vibes but OMG IM SO NERVOUS TO JUST ASK HER IF SHES ~~~~~~ (yk? If u don’t that means queer)!!! Like she’s so fun to be around and so funny and I’m a sucker for sarcasm and she’s a Capricorn and I’m screwed- 
          Our friendship is moving fast thou. Like after one class period we literally bought tickets to see a Van Gogh muscuem in November that was like 60 dollars and super like rare to be open. So I’m like oh okay- this is interesting. But she’s so cute and so pretty and I’m dying. So how do I find out if she’s queer? I’m nervous that if I just ask her she’ll wind up being straight and weirded out by me asking. Ah. Yeah. That’s my life rn. Thankfully. Depressed, crush on a special senior goddess, and gaining an addiction to caffeine. ((((((((((((((: it’s currently 3:36 in the morning and I just had a sudden burst of hyperness. Now I can’t sleep. Anygayssssss- xxx

HOLA IM NOT DEAD BTW SO YEAH I DID JUST DIP FOR A SEC LMAO BUT HEY I HOPE EVERYONE IS DOING WELL AND IF ANYONE WNATS TO TALK IM HERE FOR U
          
          schools been a bitch and I’ve been busy getting out of a depressive episode and crying over bo burnham :)))
          

Hi love, can you please check out my Larry fic cursed. Tell me if I could do something in return.
          
          With all of my love,
          - zou xx

Okay nobody attack me plz and I will never ever ever say this in real life but I like Eleanor and s*mon as characters in Confessions of a Gay Prince… Ik crazy thought . Bc who like either of them? But I’m a sucker for sarcasm banter lol