Have you ever felt so tired, not physically but emotionally. I am starting to believe that life is full of despair, life is unfair, the standards and beliefs that was written and set by the society. It is tiring, following the same beliefs that people believe is right.
I am writing this down because I am deeply disturbed by this unknown feeling. I am feeling uneasy inside, maybe it is the anxiousness about my personal matters or maybe I don't have any will to live. I have asked my self for the nth time, "What is that I want and deeply care about?". Nothing, I want nothing but to rot in my bed and scape this miserable life I have. For all I know, I only care about surviving each day, passing exams and showing that I am not being left out. But, I am, each day passed by, I am slowly rotting and losing control. I have thought of killing myself, I believe that death is a reward. A reward for being able to live in this miserable planet that's full of miserable people. I am starting to believe that killing myself is an easy way out, maybe it is.
I have a lot in mind, everything is overwhelming for a adulting teenager like me. I am not fully developed, I am not ready to stand alone. Alone in the dark and be left out by the people I know and deeply care about. I'd rather choke to death than be seen by these human beings that I am nothing but a sore loser. Because, I am, I am a loser, I pretended to be high and mighty for a long time. Every mistake I make, I feel like I was being judged and dishonored. Embarrassing, that is the right word. I am nothing but an embarrassment, how I wish, I didn't create that smart and responsible image, maybe people will expect less from me. Maybe if I was being left out, people will help me and be with me. But, no, they will not, they think I can handle every each of these responsibilities.
