😶‍🌫️

27/1
          
          My logic and emotions were once so achingly separate. (And my subconscious ran circles around me, littering premonitions in its drift). But these days it punctuates them, injecting new depth into (what was once so raw, and so deep, but so (fixed, all-consuming, single-hued)).

April 2024
          
          I am like a salmon swimming against the current - ever so slowly I develop resilience (but then I liquify and drain back into the entropic bog)

Darling you are only a tangent of me 

I can marvel at the newfound space in my body like I would at blown glass
          
          The so-called empty is luminous, and languid I find spots to curl into 

Was every day Groundhog Day with me?

"What makes loneliness so unbearable is the loss of one’s own self which can be realised in solitude..."

...I feel so energetically flossed and frazzled and apathetic. But how beautiful it's becoming in the moments when dawn breaks for me, brief as they may be. How I have more of a place in these moments these days. 

Baby's eyes clouded already
          I was born tired, so I unravel primordially
          Now I flounder in infantile entropy

There's literally no fight in my muscle memory 

tapestry of lines / rough draft
          
          you are enough without all of that;
          i am so profoundly tired, just want to be still;
          to be the sun for you to bask in;
          to conjure up warmth and let you unfold;
          the hollowness of sober conversation;
          the autistic drag, the pits i carry;
          how hard it is to channel joy, surrender to it;
          the desire to move through it all, take on different shapes;
          to imbue whoever i cross with a new lens;
          to be like water, manifest nurture;
          how willingly i was uprooted, imprinted onto the thrill of you;
          how deeply i wanted to fix you, become a jest of a nurturer;
          how i con myself into wanting;
          how expanding myself feels futile again, because nothing is ever enough;
          how i crashed like a kaleidoscope breaking;
          how harsh the sun and the stillness always feel;
          how i waste my youth weeping in a vacuum;
          how i trip up over and over the recursion;