自閉症和悲傷

Whatever, after my depressed-thoughts-before-sleeping, I finally can sleep haha. 

Ah... I've always over 
          think, this is not healthy 
          and I know... But there's 
          no healthy things in my life, 
          so... 

It don't make me happy, 
          I'm not ready to have 
          responsibilitys... I've 
          always run, how can I be 
          a responsible person now? 
          Can someone tell me HOW? 
          I'm really scared of adults' life, 
          you have twenty good things 
          and the rest is a shit. 

I'm not even in my 
          twentys and I already 
          want to die, ha. But 
          well, I've been through 
          suicidal thoughts since 
          I was eights', and now 
          I'm at less that four 
          months to have 
          seventeen haha... 

Ah... Fuck. All my self-hate 
          is showing up haha. Ah... I 
          really miss being a child, I 
          miss being in wattpad and 
          read everything that I like 
          without the feel of cringe 
          that I feel at this time... I 
          miss my ex lover, because 
          I know I've never met 
          someone as good as she, 
          although I never try it... 
          That's other thing that I miss, 
          back to my childhood I could 
          make any friend everytime I 
          wanted, and now? Now 
          everytime I've met someone 
          I feel tired, and I run away. 

Some days I feel 
          the need of texting 
          them, even if I don't 
          have them numbers 
          anymore... Even 
          though, if I had them 
          numbers, I know I will 
          not text them... How 
          could I? I've leaved 
          them with saying nothing. 
          If they don't hate me, is 
          because I hate me for the 
          three of us. 

Sometimes I wonder 
          if they have the same 
          name with I met them.
          I hope yes, but I dunno. 
          Even I've changed my 
          nickname, I'm not the 
          same girl that they met...
          Sometimes I wonder if 
          I'm really a girl, so that 
          says to much of how the 
          things changed. 

Ah... My brain and 
          heart are in a war 
          every time I'm in 
          this specific acc. 
          My brain says that 
          this was the biggest 
          and most horrible 
          mistake that I've 
          made in my whole life, 
          I agree. But also, my 
          heart says that this 
          was my best era, did 
          this ruin my life? Yes, 
          but we didn't know 
          that it would happen, 
          and we've been really 
          happy in this time. 
          I also agree with my heart. 
          This is why my brain 
          and heart are in war, none 
          of us could really decide if 
          this was a mistake (yes, it 
          was) or if this was our 
          best era (yes, it was). 

It's... A contradiction, 
          like everything in my 
          life lol. I want to erase 
          everything that I did 
          here of my head and 
          life? Yes. If I had the 
          opportunity, will I do 
          the same shit again? YES. 

I'm convinced that 
          they're a mistake in 
          my life, all wattpad 
          is a mistake in my 
          life, and yet- yet I 
          will make the same 
          mistake every single 
          time if I had the chance.