Ik that will be too much,pls be patient with me..
two hours ago i literally collapsed;it has been months since the last time i cried and a lot of things happened,but i couldn’t even find the strength within my soul to try and cry,until exactly two hours ago..
i was shaking and crying like there is no tomorrow,i felt my heart is being ripped out my rib cage like i was suffocating,like all of the pain i’ve been feeling and suppressing for months just exploded at this particular moment..the pain i felt in my chest was unbearable i kept screaming and crying,i was panicking at the same time,i couldn’t breathe i couldn’t talk..until i just stopped..and rn i feel nothing..i feel empty..hollow..
for months i’ve been struggling with something i couldn’t comprehend..mood swings?nah me just being mean and a horrible human being?nah..until i realized that i hit rock bottom again..i was diagnosed with severe depression,but i was in denial i thought it was just a joke and i’m okay and it’s just stress and everything will be okay again,but i was wrong,i’m not me anymore, i put on my best facade and try to conquer every single hour and minute of the day,sometimes i success and sometimes i just don’t;i give up.
a lot of people hurt me just because i was going through something i couldn’t understand,i couldn’t understand myself and why tf am i doing this??? why am i being mean out of the blue???why am i being so distant from the people who actually care about me???i blamed it all on myself and kept telling myself that i’m a horrible person and i deserve to be left alone like it is my daily mantra
and i’m not an angel;i did hurt a lot of people,i did made a lot of bad decisions,i did pushed people away who wanted nothing but to talk to me and stick to my side..and i’m sorry for that,i hope one day they can forgive me,for what i did and for what i’m about to do..
if you know me or you just don’t,just pray for me,pray that i will just make it out alive..
once again,i’m sorry..