himitsutsubasa

Hey I’m alive

himitsutsubasa

@shimarris109 
          
          Part 2
          
          I think your use of foreshadowing and Chekov’s gun is admirable, but it could be toned down. Instead of writing out all that DNA is, Skyile could ignore it. Then, later, when she realized who (or what) she is, the impact hits her (and the readers) harder. That way, you could elaborate and add her new-found theories into the fray. Seeing the touch about DNA and how her father was a scientist just made it too easy to put it all together.
          
          As for your dystopian work, grammar, dear. You needed to edit. The idea is creative, if repetitive since there is a plethora of “hunger games”-esque stories set in dystopian societies. To improve, I recommend you work on the spacing of text and its break-up (or break-down) in a short monologue. They are all good and nice, but more likely to be thoughts. When speaking to others, we leave much open to interpretation. Characters do the same, unless explaining something.  
          
          Give characters room to breathe and unless you are writing an action scene or on a word limit, flesh out the text and give it more body. You are not telling us how to make a cake or how your day at the factory went. You are telling us about the time you got attacked by a tiger or got your first kiss. Let the text build itself up in a crescendo and tear itself down to silence. Be the conductor of your symphony of words.
          
          Lastly, spend time comparing and describing things to the readers. It gives a better idea of location and spacing as well as appearance. Words like “white” are still great for descriptions. No matter how simple, a description acts to pull the readers in, if placed strategically.
          
          I hope this isn’t too long and that it helped.

himitsutsubasa

@shimarris109 I have read sections of you work and have a few notes.
          
          Part 1
          
          In comparison to your previous work, your more recent one has better grammar and punctuation. If anything, it makes it an easier read. The emotion is also easily received. 
          
          However, because there is always a however, when using conversation, and I mean it as a tool to move from place to another, keep the goal and setting in mind. As of the first chapter of The Excelerators, the emotion is raw and grating, but the conversation direction does not fit the mood. Please do not consider that I dislike your writing, this is just a matter of experience. When you find out someone you love has been injured, you are weary of anyone and everyone who tries to speak to you. The “don’t talk to me; I just want to come to terms with the Hiroshima bomb you just dropped on my happiness”-tone is missing from character.
          
          As a character summary, Skyile is a stoic girl who can hold her own but chooses not to do so. She hates school and everything it represents. However, she doesn’t hate the greatest authority figure in her life, her grandmother. Her grandmother has been a surrogate mother, close friend, and constant companion. This actually increases the chances as she is introverted and unlikely to speak to anyone, let alone an adult she doesn’t know. Suspicions about whether or not he is telling the truth about working with her father is also a point. She doesn’t know the man and didn’t know her father. Skyile will not take it easily.