Marie♡♡

He texted you. He replied fast. He flirted. He called you. He gave you a nickname. He made you feel happy. He told you he loves you. He got you attached. He barely answers. He starts slacking. He barely calls you. He doesn't act right. He treats you different. He stops saying he loves you. He stopped flirting. He cut you off. He breaks your heart. He leaves...
          
          It's sad to say almost every girl has experienced this..

My heart aches. It is broken. It is torn. It has pieces missing. Today I slipped and blacked out while holding my daughter to my chest going down stairs. She wasn't hurt just scared. Her dad took her from my arms and another piece of my heart lost its pieces.
          
          Early her dad and I had a fight and I took a three-hour walk trying to think. I couldn't think. I listen to my music, but it is like I heard no words. I kept walking until I thought about what is best for my daughter and believed it. Until I thought about why I got back into a relationship with WC in the first place and believed it. It took me from 10 am in the morning to almost 2 in the afternoon. Then I walk back into the house seeing his face, remembering what he said; I lost hope but I still put my feelings aside and became the person I hate.
          
          I feel like going down to the river to the park and just hopping off the bridge right there. I am toxic. I am not worthy of having my daughter. I do not deserve it. Its like I don't want ruin her life any more than I have. 
          I love her father more than anything, but I cannot handle the new person he has become since I had gotten pregnant. It is getting harder and I am hating that my feelings, my life, and my pride are pushed aside. I moved six hours away from my hometown. I moved away from my family. I changed for him. I am staying in a house where there is only a few people are really keeping me here. My daughter and her doctors. 
          
          But I realize I cannot raise Miah on my own. Everyone already thinks that I am a terrible Mom, so force Miah to grow up finding out how toxic I am. 
          I want to yank myself out this world. I do not want to be. I keep writing stories to get the lies, anger, and pain out and I end up in tears and delete them. I do not know how many pieces I got left before I jump or kick the chair.....
          
          -Menie♡♡♡
          **Stuck In A World With No Meaning**
          >Posted Two Days But It Didn't Go Through<

It's funny how a guy can say what the hell they want to you, but when you respond the way they do. Guys, they want to blow up like how the fuck do you sound? You are not going to constantly blow up in my face and when I have a damn opinion it's a goddamn problem. Clean your damn ears and do some rewiring in that brain of yours because this ain't going to work. 
          
          You want to be open with you like we used to be, but you cannot take what I have to say. That isn't my problem. You cannot ask me to be myself and speak my mind; then get mad because you don't like what the fuck I got to say. That's a double standard; make up your mind because I was fine keeping my feelings and comments to myself. Yet you wanted me to be open with you like old times. It is not old times anymore. We are not sixteen anymore.
          
          You got too much pride and ego on your shoulders. And I'm not any better. I can't look or talk to you the same. I got trust issues and blame. I haven't forgiven you for the nine months I felt alone in our relationships. Nine damn months and then you confirmed that you gave no fuck about me during that time period. So, excuse me if I am getting on your nerves more. Excuse me if I'm getting pissed at you easily. 
          
          You can apologize for the shit you did and say you didn't mean to put me on the back panel and then months later admit to me that you knew what you were doing and you do not care. I'm not going to go put you back in your 'rightful' place. No, you fucked yourself down my list where I question everything. Where I at four either than eleven when I fell for you four years ago. It's never going to be same and it's up to change it.
          
          -Menie♡♡
          **Stuck In A World Where There Are Too Many Double Standards***

I hate how family is suppose to be there for you and they actually pretend to be. But when you need them the most, they are on a different planet. They want you to be there for them when they need up, but it doesn't work vice versa.
          
          I hate it when your "friends" stay around when you down, but when you want to change and be happy. They become bitter. They say they want the best for you when they really do not care. 
          
          I hate it when you fall for a guy and he says he is in love with you for first few months and you deny and deny. Yet, you start to actually believe that guy aren't the same. Yet, as soon as that phase is gone; he end up showing you why you hated men in the first place. 
          
          I rather people not make promises to me. I mean, come on there is a 1 out of 50 chances that the promise will still legit. I hate promises. I really do. People promise they will forever love you but within a moth or two leave you for some chick they called their 'sister'. People promise that if you need them they will be there, yet when you need them. You end up in the house or room alone wondering what is the point anymore?
          
          -Menie♡♡
          
          **Stuck In A World of Liars**

I lay here thinking about how my life has turned out in this past year. Its strange that he still crosses my mind and he shouldn't. Last night and the night before, I had a dream about his fist and his drunken state. Why do i keep falling for these... these animals? I keep looking back thinking that I should have let him do all in his power that night because I deserve it. I made us cross that would and I deserve everything that....
          
          I dont even suppose to be thinking like this. I cant think about anything else, but dying. You know, after everything... After all the beautiful things that has happen since last year August.... I still want to waste my brains out all over this wooden floor. Man, I dont know. Maybe I should talk to someone. But then everyone will start treating me like im fragile. Im not fragile. I just been though a hell of a lot. 
          
          For five damn years, my life has been hell. I have been raped, forced, beaten by my mom, beaten by a boyfriend, in and out of psychic wards, attempt suicides, bullied, and completely forgotten. Yet, I am still here try8ng to figure out why the fuck for?
          
          I really dont know. What I know is I am engaged to a guy i have loved for four years and he treats me like.... its bipolar really. Sometimes Im his fiance and sometimes Im just this girl he will always love. You get me. I also know that I am a mom, now. She is a month and each morning I look at her and cry. She doesnt deserve a worthless piece of shit in her life. But she needs me. So, I have to suck it up and smile painfully through my day. 
          
          I cant stand to look at my reflection anymore. This is the only kind of social media I have left. Everything else has been deactivated. Maybe i should talk to someone but who is really listening?
          
          **Menie**
          ♡Stuck In A World of Monsters♡

Rant: How come when you change your life around for that one person, you end up regretting it? I moved to a whole new city amd still feel like this aint right anymore. Yet i thought it would help.