𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐲𝐧 💌

@PatricksPsychoxo hello... again, I'm not feeling alright and I don't know what to do

@lovelyocean_22 you’re not weird! You’re perfectly wonderful in every way, a light in this earth please don’t do anything , I’m begging you 

*everyday is worse than the PREVIOUS one

@lovelyocean_22 hey girll!! so sorry, i’ve been busy all month and just yesterday came to post. hfy, if u need anyone to talk to tell meee <33

@PatricksPsychoxo I guess mine is breaking too - I don't feel very good today - I feel like ending it. I'm so sad and desperate 

@lovelyocean_22 I really don’t know what more I can say to help my lovely I f eel so helpless I’m so sorry, my heart is breaking for you ♥️

@PatricksPsychoxo no, I think that I keep going because I'm so lost and I can't think of anything, I'm so blank that even these thoughts are hard to feel and come to my mind - is hard for thoughts to reach my mind, I mean it when I say that I can't think properly. but I don't have people like this in my life... I will miss thinking like a writer, reading like a writer, brainstorming, planning and it hurts me that I'm not gonna write anything... but I don't think you get me. I'm not present, I'm here yes but I can't process or think anything, I'm drained, I feel exhausted... it's hard to keep my eyes open and that's not because I'm sleepy, I feel dead like really dead - how can I try a hobby when I can't think of anything when my mind is completely blank and when I get tired of everything pretty easily?

@PatricksPsychoxo I don't know, there is not another way because I will have to live in a foundation - I prefer being here at home than being there. no one of my relatives can take care of me, my parents managed to keep is distant from them so they will never know what was happening with me and them all these years. that's why I don't have family support. they never left me to approach them and they would always find excuses so I could never meet my relatives. before my hospitalizations, I was locked at home, they didn't want me to talk to my teachers or make any friends (so they could be safe). so no, the only thing I can do is fight to stay here (athough I don't see a point) or ask the hospital to help me (but you know my doctors) and also I'm not sure if I want to be free less (as we haven't any freedom there) again. all my life either it was a hospital or my home, I was "locked". today, I'm more in a state of mind more that I was yesterday but I still numb, I still emotionless and I still a hint and wanting this to happen... but I also feel that I want to keep going and try. I want to experience life and I want to live and see things happening in my life. I want to accomplish things, I want to feel, I want to stay (maybe because at the same time I don't), I want to feel healthy again and I want to have the strenghts, the mind and the feelings to do what I was always dreaming for (that sounds dramatic, oh my - I'm ridiculous) but I know I'm not capable so I doubt it :(
            I'm not good at anything, who even said that I'm good at writing? I'm good on being completely useless, lazy and the biggest procrastinator. I'm good at making the things worse, at being a failure and at dissapointing others.
            
            but, thanks for being there and thanks for trying to help me. you make me feel like it's worthy and like I have people that care but I also don't want to dissapoint you. if I will it will matter because I care for your validation, I want to make your proud

@lovelyocean_22 first of all…is there anyway you can get out of the toxic environment you are in, it’s a really big factor. 2, you need to start believing in yourself, besides writing what are you good at? Also, you have to admit to yourself you want to get better, that’s a starting point if you can do that you’re a step closer to healing and I’ll help you as much as I can over a screen 

@PatricksPsychoxo please help me, what do you think I should do ? what's your advice ? 
            
            but I don't have any purpose and please don't make me stay, I don't want to be like this - I can't let myself stay like this. I'm so miserable, so lost, a ghost of myself - there won't be any change, the only thing that will change is that if I end it up I won't feel any pain anymore, now being like that I will. maybe it's the best choice I can take and maybe it's the only one I have

@lovelyocean_22 ♥️

@PatricksPsychoxo hey, you being back is the greatest gift I could even ask for ❤️