In the early 1980's I was born to a Teesside man trained in the ancient arts of origami and a wild ginger female assassin with links to the paramilitary wing of the Salvation Army.
Growing up in the North East of England I was raised on a staple diet of pastry, potato products, and Newcastle brown ale. I was a child prodigy, I wrote my first musical symphony at the age of 4. The composition included instruments such as the spoons, the kazoo and a homeless gentleman yelling into a tape recorder which I then played backwards. I uploaded my masterpiece onto a Spectrum ZX 128K but unfortunately I forgot to press save in one of my drunken sessions with Olli Reed and Richard Harris and it's forever.
When I was 8 I was successfully elected as a member of parliament for Stockton on Tees North. Although the legal age to stand as an MP is 21, nobody questioned my credentials. The fact I had grown a 4 month beard did help to hide suspicion. Fortunately I stood down when I was 12. In a dream Hoggle from the film Labyrinth foretold me about the MP expenses scandal of 2009 and it was in my best interests that my accounts were not made public. He was right, my illegal buying and selling of questionable antibiotics, certainly following the death of Heath Ledger resulted in me spending a few years living off the radar as a soldier of fortune. May I inform you of the not guilty verdict and accusation to the contrary and I’ll be suing your arse for defamation, I have an excellent legal team. 
During my 20's I relocated to the welsh capital Cardiff. The Welsh assembly had head hunted me for numerous years hoping that my future offspring would help expand their gene pool. I was bribed with promises of reduced council tax and free prescriptions. They had done their homework, discounted tax bills and free NHS treatment was the only thing I was successfully masturbating to at the time.
So here to Wattpad, where I spend my time writing humourous literature. Read it you dicks. 
Over and out.