Hello starshine, earth says hello! Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone out there running around lovestruck, tossing overpriced chocolates like confetti, and carrying bouquets that cost more than my rent. Meanwhile, I’m just over here sipping coffee number six, third-wheeling my own loneliness, and wondering if my soulmate is perhaps an extra-large pizza. Cupid, you missed—again!
Honestly, Valentine’s is that annual reminder that flower shops have a secret pact with greeting card companies, and that my only real relationship is with my Wi-Fi signal. If you need me, I’ll be dodging heart-shaped balloons like emotional landmines and side-eyeing those couple selfies with the precision of a professional art critic. Happy commercialized affection day, everyone!