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I need your saving again A. Please comeback. Please let me see you. 

Do you think im really destined to be alone all my life, A? Lately, ive been thinking of ending it all. The pain is starting to get overwhelming once again. Im so afraid of the future. I know I'll fail again. Im so lost. Im afraid of succeeding and end up failing later on. Im so tired of hearing the same words, that im a disappoinment and useless. It hurts even though ive heard it a hundred times. I dont know how to help myself. I mean i know what i must do but i dont know how to do it. I want to ask help, but i know that I'll be a burden. Others look up to me like im some sort of genius, but them...they would only see me for what i used to be, maybe still am, a failure, useless, burden, lazy, feeling entitled person. The only thing im ever good at is acads and disappointing them. I am tired of hearing the hurtful words A. Why wont they care for me? Why cant i have what others easily have? Why cant we be nice to each other? It saddens me so much whenever i hear their words. Everybody else have someone they can lean to, but why am i always alone? Why cant i have someone to lean on? It used to be you A, even though its only one sided. As i grow older, i become more afraid of ending up being alone. It gets lonelier as time passes by. I dont want to admit this. But i know deep down this is what i feel. I am alone and scared again A. It makes me want to end it all. 

How are you A? I hope youre doing great and happy. I miss you, again. I still think about you. I cannot stop waiting for you. 

On days like this, i miss you a little more A. How are u? I hope youre happy and fine. 

Happy birthday A I hope you are happy today. Thank you for coming in to my life. Thank you for existing. I love u. 

They dont need me in their life. I am not a good person. Im not someone whos significant. Theyll be fine without me. I am always the problem. I deserve being left alone for being a horrible daughter, sister, and friend. I tried to be good but i could never be better. I am selfish and mean. I only think of whats good for me. No selfish person deserves a happy life. I am a disappointment. A useless being. They are right. Always have been. I am a deadweight. And for this, i deserve this pain and being left behind. I am an awful person. I talk sht a lot. I judge and i bully people. This is my karma. Im gonna be alone. Everyone will choose to leave me. Between me and the opportunities and life they will live without me, they will always choose the latter. I understand that. I do. I get it. I was never worthy of love. You will all leave me. You always do.

I relapsed. Still the same trigger. Maybe I will never heal from this fear. I still cant help myself when things like this happen. Feeling abandoned, getting left behind. I hate this sht. The only time i didnt get triggered was when A was still here. She was the only one who could comfort me. Even when she was the one who left, it didnt trigger me. Maybe because i know she was never meant to stay. That btch is like a sister to me, it feels like im getting left behind by a family member again. Why do they always leave me? Of course i want her to be happy and live her life, but i cant help feeling abandoned. I should really set boundaries. Shes not family. She does feel like it but i have to stop feeling this way. I know I'll self sabotage after this. I have to protect me from this fear. I guess i will never heal. I guess no one will really stay with me till the end. This does feel like paul all over again, but im more experienced now. Maybe i will know better. Maybe i will not self sabotage so much just like how i used to. Maybe i can get over this and not let my life paused again, not quit again. This shtty feeling is tiring. Its got me dead on my tracks, i cant move. I cant do better. I really have to learn to be alone. I am always alone. I can do this. I can get over being left behind again, i always do things on my own. I have always been alone. I used to play alone, and i will grow old alone. Nobody could ever stay in my life. They will always leave me. I know that for sure. I have long said that to myself. And i have accepted that. It still hurts but it is what it is.  

Its almost your bday. How are you A? Ive been missing u a little extra these days. I feel lonely. I miss seeing you. It still hurts reading and seeing things about you and your wife. But i wish u happiness though. I will always wish you happiness and love. I just want to see you happy and loved. I hope you are. Shes so lucky to have you, the only person i love. I miss you so much A. I wish i could see u again. In times when im sad, the thought of you both pains and comforts me. Youre probably the only one who could ever see me and know me.  

Today should be a special day A but i can only feel sadness. I dont know if im happy at all. And lately ive been having anxiety attacks. Its just mild but still it bothers me. Ive been anxious and sad. I dont like this. I hope i'll be fine again. I miss u A. I hope youre doing great. 

Happy new year A. Be happy this year.