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Today should be a special day A but i can only feel sadness. I dont know if im happy at all. And lately ive been having anxiety attacks. Its just mild but still it bothers me. Ive been anxious and sad. I dont like this. I hope i'll be fine again. I miss u A. I hope youre doing great. 

Happy new year A. Be happy this year. 

I dreamt of u last night. U got married to a man lol and all the while i was thinking of how i no longer have a chance on u because theres no divorce here hahaha lol. I do admit that im still waiting for u even though the chance is none. I just cant do it A, forget you. Youre the only one that i need. Youre the only one that i want to be with. I just cant stop loving you. Even though i dont know where u are right now.  I still love u. Only u. 

Merry Christmas A. I hope youre happy today. 

How are you A? I hope youre happy these days. Have a jolly holidays. I miss you, again. Im not busy anymore. Have a lot of time now to think of u. Im feeling blue. I hope youre feeling happy even though youre far from your family. I hope youre fine and she still makes you feel loved. I hope her love, care, and presence is enough to make your world feel better. I love you A. Thank you for saving me.

Im sabotaging myself again. I miss u A. I wish you were here. 

She smiled at me but all i could think about was your smile. If that was you smiling at me, i know i would have been freaking out and be so happy, but alas, shes not you. Nobody could make me feel the way you made me do. Effortlessly, you make me happy, so happy that i could die with a smile. Nobody could make my heartbeat race like the way you do. Yes, i find her attractive and cute, but itll never be enough to make me forget you A. I just cant find the will to forget you or like somebody else more than i love you. It will always be you A. I force myself to forget you, to like someone else because waiting for you is so pathetic and useless, but i could never feel more than plain admiration to them. I cling on to you even though you will never be mine. Im afraid that i might never unlove you. That means anyone after you is just an immitation of the feelings i have for you. I dont know if I'll ever get to the point of loving someone more than i love you. Im afraid that i will only treat them gently because i will think its you. That i will only love them because I'll think of them as you. I dont want to do that A. Oh how i wish it was easy to unlove you as much as it was easy to love you. 

I miss you A. It was raining when i came back there. Youre no longer there. I remembered all the memories i had with you. Your eyes, your voice, your back... You. I remember you. I missed you and all our small interactions. I miss you so much. I could never forget you. No matter who i meet, they could never replace you in my heart. You are the only one i need. You, always you. What i feel for you is so strong, that no matter how many years has passed, i just couldnt forget you. My feelings never change. I keep coming back to the moment where our eyes would meet and how it would make me feel seen, make me feel i am cared. You made me feel better. You changed me for the good. You inspired me. You fixed me. You fixed my broken soul by looking into it. You tore down my walls and gave me light. You did what nobody could ever do to me, look me in the eyes and saw the sadness in me and gave me an  assuring look that things will be alright. You are the light at the end of the tunnel, the warm breeze after being cold for so long. I love you A. You saved me in so many ways. You saved me when they dont even care. You were there. You came in to my way, and saved me.   

Happy Teachers Day A. I hope youre doing well. Be happy. Enjoy your life. I hope youre happy with your career or whatever youre doing rn. I wish you success and prosperity. May u achieve all your dreams and plans. I miss u. 

I need to take care of myself rn. I cant listen to your problems or be with you rn cause its gonna drain me. I got to put me first. Nobody will be there for me. Im always left alone to deal with my sht. I have to be alone or else I'll probably resent you if you push me to show up.