pppuddin

"A child that’s being abused by its parents doesn’t stop loving its parents, it stops loving itself."
          One told me, [this is life, not heaven, you don't have to be perfect]. Even with my imperfections, I still hate myself. 
          It's not that I regret my choices, but I regret my life. 
          how can i just disappear?

“It’s not you. It’s anyone. Sometimes I don’t want anyone around. Some afternoons I lie on my bed and the light comes through the shutters on the floor and I think I never want to leave my own room.” 
          -Joan Didion, Run River

5:37am, why am i even here?

mình luôn mệt mỏi, ngày nào cũng thế. chỉ là hôm nay mệt mỏi hơn một chút thôi.
          ngày gì mà tồi tệ quá. cả một tuần buồn bã.
          mình chịu hết nổi rồi.

Suddenly, everything was different, becomes so clear and true, that four words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record: you can do it, you can do it , you can do it.

không biết chỗ mọi người mưa chưa, chỗ mình thì mưa rồi, mưa to lắm, mưa không ngừng như trút nước.
          

not very// okay.
          i'm getting sad. because of me. don't try to pull me out of this because i may drag you down with me; please wait until i get better: wait til i know that i don't deserve anything. and i'll be okay soon. let's this be our moonwish.
          __________
          i can't stop torturing myself.

and i was dreaming about yellow, the light, that hair, the feeling of a touch, how sweet a kiss can be. all of my paris;
          suddenly i woke up, everything turned into blood. and i cried. the moon cried.
          __________
          just an old note from my draft. i tried to kill myself but failed; i always tried, again and again and again, until i became empty. i'm not angry anymore, just tired with this place. the only reason i'm here because you still need me. and because i need to be somebody's moon. if you don't need me anymore, i'll break into pieces. i'll leave, there will be another moon.
          and when i leave, i'll continue dreaming about my fantasies, my paris, and the death.
          i know it's worthless. so no matter how tired you are, please don't give up. because i already did it for you, i gave up my life.

so make a wish upon the stars
          i'll be there
          ;
          promise me you'll try to be a kid when you grow up. you won't have to be, but please try. wendy promised and she broke it. and peter pan was all alone. growing up is a curse but stay forever young is a lie. please be naive sometimes. the moon doesn't age, but it changes if you do. never ask me why i become a stranger to you; aren't we strangers from the beginning? aren't you who broke our promise? 
          then live fast and die young with me. we'll be forever young and naive, as wild as our fantasies. die young, die young, die young; and leave everything behind. stay as a wind, as the moon; because we've losted our way for too long. i'll guide you home.
          __________
          i've been searching on a trail to follow again, take me back to the night we met.
          __________
          to moonies out there, and to my sky; because i'm your moon.

quanh đi quẩn lại vẫn là những thứ làm mình không hạnh phúc.