xsimply_lovelyx
Nobody follows me, so this is why I'm posting this here. Nobody on this site knows who I am, or even my real name. Two nights ago I was sexually assaulted. Although I'm sure, it feels weird if not wrong to say it. I was drunk, far too drunk to be taking anybody home, but I did. I was at a party with friends who I trusted, and when one boy who I had had a crush on showed up, already a little tipsy, we latched onto each other. We both drank more, and it's safe to say that neither of us were in any shape to make the decisions we did. We walked back to my apartment together. On the walk, I told him that I was a virgin and did not plan on having sex that night, and he said he understood. I texted the girls who I lived with, telling them I was going to be bringing someone back with me, and one of them drove to pick us up. She noticed how drunk we were, and when we got back the other two girls joined her in trying to convince my friend that he needed to go home. Instead, he laid down on my bed and covered his eyes. Leaving a trashcan by my bed (just in case) my roommates turned off the lights and left my room. Immediately, he turned over and started to kiss me. I was already tired and starting to not feel as interested as before, and tried to slow things down. Instead he took off his clothes, as well as my pants and underwear. I touched him, and he touched me. He went down on me. I pulled him back up, and tried to tell him that I wasn't feeling it. He kept kissing me, and told me he wanted to be inside me. I told him that I was not having sex. He said "Right, right ok." This happened about 5 more times in the span of 20 minutes. I eventually told him that he had to either go to sleep, or if he truly needed to release, he could make himself cum. But I was going to bed. After this, he would try to put himself inside me, and I had to push him away multiple times. At one point he said "I don't think I can cum without being inside." I said "Then maybe we should go to sleep."
xsimply_lovelyx
I want to feel safe, and I want to feel normal. Not in this in-between. I just want to be normal. I keep saying that I shouldn't have drank that much, that I shouldn't have brought him home... But I shouldn't have to say that. I shouldn't blame myself, right? I said no, he ignored me. It should never have happened, but it did. I was sexually assaulted.
xsimply_lovelyx
His response was, "Just ride me real quick." I told him no, and went to put a pair of underwear on. He got the messaged and finished himself, onto my backside as I was lying down facing the other way. I went and changed underwear and went back to bed. Finally, hours after getting home I was able to sleep. In the morning, his alarm woke us up. He had to be somewhere at 9 so had set one for 8:30. With the alarm turned off, he rolled over and began to kiss me again. Immediately, he started to go down and begin to take off my underwear, but I stopped him and pulled him back up. He pressed himself into my thigh. I touched him, and form what I remember I had to tell him no to sex once more. He finished on my stomach and on my bed, with a simple "Sorry." He stumbled out of bed and began to get dressed. I was unsure if he was going to leave right away or stay and talk to me at all. The only thing he said that morning were, "I can't find my socks... that's alright." "Where is my other shoe?" "I hope I didn't get a parking ticket." "Bye." With a barely there hug, he was out the door.
I still struggle to say that I was sexually assaulted. I wasn't raped, he never put himself inside me... But he tried. More times that I can remember and I feel violated. I feel confused and upset. I took off my bedsheets and I slept on my bare mattress for a night because I didn't want to sleep on the dirty sheets, nonetheless touch them from their spot on my floor to do laundry. Today I did laundry, and I made my bed and cleaned my room. And now I'm trying to do homework that I procrastinated on all weekend and I can't focus because I'm thinking about Friday and googling "what counts as sexual assault?" I'm thinking about my kind of ex, mostly friend, and how all I want to do is go to him and not sleep alone. I feel like I should be scared of sleeping with somebody else, but right now I'm more scared of being alone with my thoughts. If I were to be with him, at least I know I'd be safe.