fabian

for years i have always tried to write. i’d think of a concept, proceeding with a well-thought outline ... but i can’t seem to finish it no matter how much i try. i could blame it on fate, really, that it’s just how it’s supposed to be. 
          
          yet it’s just me. i want to create something that doesn’t reflect who i am, or what i dream to be.... but when i try and pick up the pen, all the words that sprout are just fragments and pieces of myself. perhaps i need to find the strength to share parts of me, no matter how dark and great and magnificent i can be (yes i aim to glaze myself sometimes)
          
          while loving ourselves seem too overrated, it’s also just what we need. 

it will pass.

Madalas ko ring iniisip ang purpose ko sa buhay. Pero kadalasan din naman ay sinasabi na lang ng isip ko na huwag magpaka-lunod sa ganyang bagay. 
          
          Minsan naman, hindi ko mapigilan. Katulad ngayong gabi, parang nasasakal na ako sa mga kaganapan ko ngayon sa buhay. Laging dapat, eh, alam ko ang ginagawa ko. Dapat mabilis ang isip ko. Dapat marunong ako nito, magaling ako sa ganyan. 
          
          Ang hirap din palang makipagsabayan sa mga taong talentado, ‘no?
          
          Yung tipong naturally gifted talaga. Yung kaunting hasa lang, masterado na agad nila yung bagay na halos isang taon mong paghusayan. 
          
          Ewan ko, ano nga ba ang purpose ko sa buhay? 
          
          Wala akong maisip, kung meron man, e, hindi sapat para tumingin sa salamin at kumbinsihin ang sarili na - “i’m meant to be a part of something great”
          
          Ayos lang naman saaking maging pangkaraniwan... pero minsan talaga, katulad ngayong gabi — nararamdaman kong malapit na akong mapagiwanan. 
          
          

ugh.

ήρθε τόσο γρήγορα

wait... my writing kinda slaps i might publish stories soon :D

my heart bleeds.
          
          and i am going to cry my eyes out. i will bawl and feel miserable. i will not dry my tears and i will let it soak on my pillow. i will feel my heart aching and i will taste the salty liquid coming out from my eyelids. i will look at the clock and realize it’s 3 am and i am crying again and no one hears me. no one ever will. 

my shoulder aches as i glide in the waves. my knees tremble everytime i try to stand. my eyes hurt from too much exposure. and i haven’t stopped clenching my teeth ever since i felt the need to spill my tears. i am trying to reach for the boat, yet i am stuck in the shore. i can try and swim towards it, but will it ever stop for me? not, i believe.
          
          my heart still bleeds.

i don’t want to move on, though. i want to stay right here, this very familiar place. where i am aching and trembling and gasping and reaching and searching 

this is my chance. but fuck it kasi idk how to make one !!!!