Honey and Milk

20: Burning.

George

"I'm not sure we'll have an amazing time."

I stared in horror at the sea of college students, most already shit-faced, stumbling across the lawn. This would've been exciting if it weren't for my dumb irrational fears nagging at my brain.

"Don't worry, George! Skep and I will be with you the entire time, promise." Bad slung an arm over my shoulder, rustling up a floof of hair. Skeppy gave a small nod, a slight trace of disappointment showing on his features before vanishing. 

"I know, at least it's outside this time. Not so confining." I crossed my arms, tugging on the beanie draped loosely over my ears. Subconsciously, my mind had already been filing the people I could probably have a sober conversation with away from those who were giggling and babbling incoherently. Consciously, I was looking for a certain man who would make the experience worth-while.

"See? Positivity!" He removed his arm and waved it up. "Techno! We made it!"

I peered up to see the senior who hosted the quick parties I'd been loosely invited to. He had a sort of gruff, glowering composure, a serious case of RBF. He looked over and gave an acknowledging nod, before turning back to his group and taking a large gulp of his drink. I didn't quite understand how Darryl could be so friendly to such a stone wall of a person.

A much taller man, dressed in a yellow sweater, black beanie, and circular glasses, came over with a girl hooked under his arm, the front strands of her hair dyed blonde with a similar fashion of glasses. She also

"Wil, Nikki! I didn't think you guys would come, you'd said before you didn't feel well?"

"That was just me, realized it was just a cold. I'd rather be here with my pals then stuck in a dorm. Nikki was just nice and followed me with my decisions." He grinned and flicked the matching pair of cat ears on her head, earning a small giggle. His own were quite lopsided.

"That's great. Bad, want anything to drink? I'm heading over to check what Phil brought." Skeppy asked, shooting a thumb towards some people.

"Not this time, thanks." He gave a small smile, I noticed the way his eyes lingered as he walked away. It sent a familiar creep up my spine. "So, you can go find Sapnap or Dream, I won't be too much fun."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah! Go go go!" He began pushing me away, and I was soon absorbed into a swarm of laughter and dancing.

Circling around in confusion, I desperately searched for any outing or familiar face, but was met with the overwhelming smell of alcohol. So, plugging my nose, I began blindly shoving my way through. Thankfully I had the experience of party anxiety and was able to decently navigate with straight thoughts.

Suddenly, there was a strong hand around my arm and I was jerked to the side, nearly stumbling over my feet.

"George!" I regained my balance and looked over to Nick, currently downing a bottle like he was dehydrated. I rolled my eyes but I was secretly glad I was saved by the drunken man. "C'mon, you gotta try this thing called 'shitty k'. Tastes like.. shit! But it sure has the greatest after effects."

He forced a typical party cup into into my hand, one whiff of the substance was enough to ruin my appetite. I not-so-sneakily pushed it into a passerby's hand, probably too wasted to notice they didn't even have a drink before.

"Um-- do you know where Clay is?" I wasn't even sure if he'd heard me as he was already making out with some girl -- I assumed Juniper (hopefully). 

"With the gang." He said between breaths before completely cutting me off and presumably ignoring me.

I rolled my eyes and began peering at the people around me. There was a fairly balanced mix between people in costumes and those in casual wear. Turning around I'd already realized Nick was gone in the mix of people, leaving me alone, once again. I was just plain frustrated this time, ignoring the fear in my gut and pushing through the crowd. Every face seemed so similar, just a blur no familiarity.

I grumbled in annoyance and reached for my phone, only to crash into someone and have it fumble out of my hand. I gasped, watching it fall under the trample of feet, surprisingly not getting stepped on. Flinging myself forwards and trying not to get my fingers crushed, I desperately reached out for the device. It was my only means of contact, the only way to reach people I know, my only safe haven--

A black, fingerless gloved hand picked it up before me. I looked up and nearly shit myself, being met with a featureless mask of white ceramic and a crudely drawn smiley face. The expression on my face must have looked purely shocked, and the person behind the cover let out a low chuckle.

They lifted back the mask and.. is it possible to shit yourself with relief? "Clay!"

"You looked like a scared child, weren't you coming with Bad?" He smiled, grabbing my arm and pulling me closer. A light warmth bloomed on my face even though he was only doing this to not lose me.

"I was, but I decided to look for you instead." Besides, Zak looked like he'd rather hog Darryl for himself, but best not to mention that.

I looked up to meet his eyes, seeing a large grin on his face. But, his eyes seemed to counter that cheer, appearing more worried and anxious then anything. 

I was going to ask before someone came up on his other side. A girl, looking giddy and tipsy.

"Dream, everyone's been looking for you, c'mon!" She laughed, tugging on his green sweatshirt.

I know I shouldn't feel jealous, I'd seen the signs. He was resisting, he was in pain, but goddamn it he didn't talk to me. I could see the conflict in his eyes, the way he glanced between the oblivious girl and me. I knew which one he would choose in such a crowd, in such a public display.

I let go of his arm, watching him get helplessly pulled away. He didn't even try to turn back around, simply watching with guilty eyes.

I hadn't even realized what my body was doing until I was consciously back in my dorm, stuffing my face as I screamed helplessly into a pillow. I'd felt this pain before, locked deep away in hopes of opening anew, trying to let someone else in since the forever tang of loneliness became overwhelming eventually.

But it was stupid, it seems that giving my heart to people just wasn't my thing. He'd always choose her over me. Hell, he'd probably choose ANY girl over me. Anything that wasn't 'unusual' or 'wrong'. 

It made so much sense in the most painful way possible -- he was afraid, and he didn't even have the guts to cut it off before it was too late. Selfish bastard. I'm such a hypocrite.

So, doing the best I could with an empty chest, I pushed away the wet pillow and laid myself on my bed, letting an overwhelmed and exhausted mind get the best of me.

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words: 1.2k

woah, i got stuck on such a hard writer's block there. sorry for the long delay, life has been getting real tough and i'm trying my best to get by. i really do love this book, but sometimes it feels more like emotionless writing then actually putting care into the words. i'd rather write knowing that it won't come out bland.

thanks for 6k reads, it really means a lot, ily you all <333