invidia - bbh

free

His caressing breath melting into your skin, his soft hands gently cupping your neck- his brown eyes swirling with gold. His figure hovering over you and the feeling of his hair in between your fingers was still lingering on your skin, tickling your body with unstoppable shivers. It was like this whole scene had been tattooed into your brain as even almost two weeks later, it was all you could ever think about. It was all you could ever see as soon as you'd close your eyes. It haunted you and you didn't have anyone to blame but yourself.

Had you gone completely nuts? Whenever you would recall the moment on that damned trip, all you could feel was pure despair and an irritable fluttering of your heart. How could you have started such a scene with him? Wrapping your arms around his nape like that- going as far as wanting him to...kiss you. It devastated you to remotely admit that it was exactly what had gone through your head at the moment. You had tried in every way to justify your behavior but all you could ever try to blame was his perfume clouding your every sense, his arms trapping you underneath him and making a certain desire to be embraced by those arms and sturdy looking chest of his, burn within you. It had been the way he gazed at you with such raw adoration that you had never had directed at you from anyone but Sayu. An amount of love in solely his eyes that you had never been able to even show yourself- he gave it to you, he looked at you like he wanted you to see it. How precious you were.

But his lips had spoken volumes. It was the fact that he had gone for your forehead instead of your lips as if they were a sacred place that only authorized people could ever enter. He had respected you despite his body painfully wanting to just touch you. You knew. But you ignored this truth although it was pulsing like blood in your brain. You ignored it despite knowing that deep down, at that moment, no jealousy you had ever held in his regards mattered ever again. You had left it all behind because you had wanted it, him. The love in his eyes, you oh so wanted to embrace it with your bare palms, and perhaps, give some back too.

But how could you ever let yourself be with him? Your heart was by now tainted, he deserved better.

There was really only one way to explain your actions that morning, that thick attraction you had been trapped within, and certainly, it hadn't been your mind fazed by the fever. You didn't like Baekhyun, not one bit. There was no way you would have feelings for him after trashing him for so long in your head- after him being so infuriatingly better than you. There was no way, you were sure.

Right?

Sayu had during those two weeks gotten used to walking home alone again. You knew that if you were to go get her, he would take every chance to stop you so that you could talk. But you didn't feel anywhere ready to speak with him. The few times you had gone to get Sayu yourself, the teacher would leave the children in the middle of their game just so that he could attempt to talk to you. It wouldn't matter whether he had the ugliest face paint on his skin, or that the children would follow him to see where he went. He would search for you. He sought for you almost desperately, as if he meant it. Like you meant something to him. Like there could ever be something between the two of you. But every time, you had run away, leaving his shoulder to slump down as you had never seen him crumble before. It somehow pierced your heart, it weighed your chest. You knew that it was not right for you to do so...But you truly couldn't help it.

***

Dark afternoon sky and sparkling Christmas decorations. Wax candles slowly consumed underneath the heat of a licking flame, the warm aroma of freshly baked pastries floated in the air. Your legs were feeling extremely giddy and a constant fluttering was taking place in your belly. Your phone was clamped between your fingers, ready for when you would need the camera option. Low murmurs resounded in the small assembly hall as parents and family members awaited eagerly for the stage to lit up. It was the last day of kindergarten before winter break for Sayu, and her class had organized a little Christmas themed play. Sayu had been so overly excited and all smiles. For days she had forced you to help her practice her lines, and you hadn't minded at all. Now that the day had come, she had shown how truly nervous she felt after all, insecure even! But you had pulled a few locks behind her ear and told her sincerely, that she was the best actress and singer you had ever witnessed. That had put a massive smile on her glossy, red cheeks, melting you into a puddle on the spot.