invidia - bbh

your-

A few weeks later, and the snow had started laying itself gracefully on the streets, coloring them in its pearly white, It looked like moonlight in the dark winter. Baekhyun or whatever his name was...had become a very constant figure in your life, as you found yourself getting Sayu at the kindergarten way more often than what you usually did. Every time, Baekhyun would do whatever he could to get something out of you, starting small but genuine conversations. Perhaps, he wasn't as annoying as you had assumed in the beginning, but still an eyesore. At times, upon watching him play with the children, ever so easily spreading the happiest smiles on their faces, something would pierce your chest, making it bleed endlessly. A lace of thorns tightening around your heart, chaining it. And it hurt so bad, you couldn't stand to watch him. That kindness, that gentleness and affection in his eyes, it tore you apart. You felt so small, so insignificant. You didn't dare to name these horrible emotions, you were afraid that it could lead you to dive deeper within yourself, perhaps finding something that you wouldn't be able to handle. A truth you couldn't accept. Despite all of that, your eyes were curious when it regarded him, not listening to your protests. They drew to him like magnets, finding it amusing how every day, he would present himself with streaks of paint on his face or fairy wings plastered on his back while the children followed him as if he was the brightest star in the sky.

Sayu's loud footsteps brought you back to reality as she arrived with a notice paper. You pushed your laptop aside and took the paper from Sayu, who looked extremely eager.

"Sis! We're gonna go on a trip!" She exclaimed, her tiny hands curled into fists of excitement and her orbs shone with happiness. Indeed, the paper in your hands said exactly that. A trip next week. Just a 3 days camping experience for the kids, if allowed. Obviously, at least one guardian to the kid was required to come. You stared at it in contemplation. It was a rather complicated situation, it wasn't really possible for you to accompany Sayu since just the week after, very important exams were waiting for you as well as an important deadline for that damned essay. Yes, you weren't done with it yet.

"Sayu...I am so sorry, I don't think we can go, you see-" You felt your heart crack the slightest when her face fell as soon as she heard the hesitation in your tone. Gosh, were you about to do it again? Make her cry?

"Sis has very important things to do for school, you understand that right?" You coaxed in a soft voice, hoping that she would understand. But to your surprise, she shook her head angrily, lips pouty and frowny.

"You always say those things!" She crossed her arms over her chest, stubbornness radiating from her whole being. "I just... I just want to be like all of my friends, get to go on the school trips..." Teeth drilled into your lip, your little sister had just somewhat reminded you that you never gave her enough, that she was different because she only had you instead of a whole family. That she felt different because she never got to attend those special events, since you had to work, to study. But this was so unfair, so unfair. You felt your blood boil, knuckles turning white in your clenching fists. You understood her disappointment, but it gave her no right to make you feel like that. You were doing all of this for her, and her solely.

"Sayu." You called warningly, "Stop that. Do you think I am having fun here? Do you think I'm not letting you do those things because I don't want you to have fun?!" You couldn't help your raising voice, every word you spoke increased your emotions, the trembling of your heart.

"Sometimes it feels like it!" She yelled back, the way her lip jutted out told you she was holding back the lump in her throat, her orbs now glossy with tears crystallizing in her lashes.

"Go to your room." Was all you said, not leaving any space for more conversation. You didn't want to fight, you didn't want to become what she would see as a monster screaming at her every evening. You didn't want to be that. If you just- if you just could be different- better, for Sayu. If you only could make her happy. Perhaps, if you were like those kind droopy eyes of his, if you were like his calm, perhaps you would be a lot better.