CONAN GRAY IMAGINES

« just go (personal vent) »

making this as a vent and putting some reality into this story.

skip if you want, conan is barely in the story.

although this is a personal vent, you can have it as y/n p.o.v if you'd like.

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slight t/w: negative thoughts, anxiety, fear, etc.
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i sat on the couch and opened up my laptop, immediately going to hangouts to see if anyone had said anything. no one  said anything but one of my friends were online. all i said was "hey" to them (or the group chat) and they left me on read.

i didn't think of it much because, well, of course it's christmas eve. i didn't have any plans because i can't really go out at all and i'd rather stay home anyways. my friends were probably hanging out and spending time with family... like you're supposed to.

i put those thoughts in the back of my head and decided to watch short clips from the show 'nicky, ricky, dicky, and dawn'. i loved the show when i was a kid, and i also favored the person who played as nicky.

i clicked on a random clip, not really caring which one it was and just went through a bunch of them for an hour or two. i had little laughing fits and was just enjoying myself.

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after a few hours, i checked the group chat again. to my surprise, i was removed then added back to the group chat. history was also turned off. everyone was active.

i started thinking about why they would do that. i take things personally, and right now i really don't want to be emotional and be like "you guys hate me, ugh you're such terrible friends." i didn't want to bring down my friends now it's christmas eve.

i typed "why was i removed and then added back, y'all good lol."

right when i sent that, i was also removed from the personal and very close friends group chat as well.

"hey, did i do something wrong?" i sent to the chat. two of my friends saw the message.

okay, this is kind of weird...

one of my friends just said "no."

straight up "no."

not going to lie, that kind of hurt.

"well, i don't know what's happening.. but i hope it isn't about me. sorry... " i sent. one of my friends saw the message and started typing.

at first i was like "maybe they'll just say it's alright and then leave, this won't be a big deal."

a few minutes go by, they're still typing. this is where i start to get nervous. a lump was starting to form in my throat, i tried taking deep breaths.

no, they wouldn't hate me... what did i even do? did i do anything? did i really? stop taking things personally, maybe they were joking around... but not a lot of people are active right now... why would they remove me? do they just realize that they hate me? did i just lose my friends?

i sniffle and try to hold back my tears. i fucking hate my thoughts right now.

i hear that familiar notification ding and i look at my laptop screen.

this is what one of my friends said.

"how could you say you don't know what's happening, because we know you obviously know what's happening. we can't even stand you anymore. it's the same thing every single time you come into the group chat, you always complain and complain about your said stupid life. well let me tell you, you need to STOP. get a therapist, we can't fucking catch you when you're falling. we aren't therapists. hell, i don't even know why we considered you as a friend. we should have known that you acted like this. sorry, but we're not sorry. next time, take your complaints somewhere else. and also, no one cares about your excitement over conan noticing you on instagram. no one does. so please, just leave and stop."

i was right.

i was sobbing and trying to catch my breath at this point. i felt dizzy, nauseous, sweaty, angry, sad, overwhelmed, hurt. a mix of emotions just hit me and i was curled up on my couch crying. i tried typing back a response, but before i could even touch my keyboard, the group chat was gone. so we're my personal private messages to everyone else.

i wanted this, didn't i? did i ask for this? i want to stop breathing, this is what they want. i should just shut my mouth, they won't have to hear me complain all the time. why try complaining and think you're gonna have support when you'll just feel even worse in the end?

i grabbed my phone and went to instagram to immediately dm conan and just let everything out.

it's a good thing he rarely checks his dms. if he did then.. well whoops.

"why,
why,
i thought i actually had a group of friends i could trust
they all hated me in reality.
i really thought i found my people.
why did i think that it would last for longer than all of my other ones.
don't leave me.
please.
i'm begging don't leave.
i don't want to be left alone again.
not again.
i don't want to say goodbye before i even get the chance to
it always happens.
it always does.
they all leave.
they all do.
it's my fault.
it's all my fault.
i should stop.
i need to stop.
it's all me.
me is bad.
me is horrible.
fucking hell why am i like this.
this is why they hate me."

i drop my phone and i hear it thud on the hardwood floor. i turn and pull the blanket above me and continue to cry my eyes out.

it's what the wanted to see.

it's all for you.

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yeah, i'm so sorry. this is just a filler for you guys. i've said this a million times but... i think i'm starting to get back into writing. i really need ideas and recommendations. comment them if you guys have any- i'm seriously really bored and i'm writing instead of catching up on my school work. i'm failing two classes, woohoo..

thank you, everyone.

- ann