Frozen in Anxiety

Freedom of Sorrow

"Thud Thud.. Thud Thud", The sound of a beating heart, throwing a shock wave throughout my entire body as I lay there in bed awake but with my eyes closed not ready to start the day all over again like any other day.

"Thud Thud.. Thud Thud", If I think about it and concentrate on it too long I start to imagine whether I have control over it or not, I start to ask myself, is the pause between each heart beat getting slower, and other times I ask myself is the heart beat going way faster then it should be for what I'm doing.

"Thud Thud.. Thud Thud" What if it stops?, what do I do?, well I can't do much about it in fact, but would I die fast, or die slow?... Do I deserve it?, would anyone care?, like actually genially care?, would they miss me?, or would the whole world go on without me?

"Thud Thud.. Thud Thud", I don't know why I ask myself, of cause I'd die slow, I do deserve it, no one would care, no one would miss me, and the whole world would go on without me like nothing ever happened, I would be doing the world a favour.

"HONK HOONK!" Goes a car driving past frightening me awake like as if I had just had a nightmare, I spring up now sitting in the bed.

And "Wof Woof Woof!" goes bow outside, "Oh my god, every morning, am I ever going to get to sleep in!" I explode.

"Shuuut up!", Evelyn yells from under the bed covers, not having a clue where her heads at, I'm pretty sure she becomes some sort of dog like bow humping the shit out the blankets till there isn't a dry spot at all in her dreams, judging off the look of the blankets every morning and way she is positioned under there.

"The world isn't all about you, you know, some of us want to sleep in too so you don't need to yell" Evelyn says with reason

"Well I've got to get up anyway, I've got work today"

"what do you mean? it's Saturday" giving me a weird look

"Yeah I've got to work, I turned up to work late yesterday because of the weather, a car accident happened, and didn't tell the boss about getting off early so I have to work today to make up for it" I explain

"Till when?!" Evelyn snaps, "you are not missing Jaxon's finals!"

"I wont!, I swear!, I will be there okay I just might be late but I'll be there"

We get up out of bed, Evelyn heading out of the room to the kids to get them up ready for the day planned ahead, and I head to the en suite to have a morning shower, as I do every morning.

I get undressed, I hop into the shower and I turn the tap "drip.. drip..", "cold showers every fucking morning" I think to myself as I lean my head against the shower wall holding in all my angry and frustration.

I continue about my morning routine as normal, I step out, get dressed and stand at the sink and begin brushing my teeth with the disgusting tooth paste Evelyn buys that's meant to be the best stuff out there. To me it taste like dick. "Lets get this over with" I think in disgust, A gargle here, and a toothbrush up the side of my cheek like I suck penis there, I spit it out and wipe my mouth of the disgusting cum paste.

I then look up at the mirror, what even is my life?, what is it really?, I sleep for about eight hours every day, that's one third of my life gone, to a natural instinct I can't live without doing, I then go to work, every day, for another eight hours a day, to get paid money, a world currency for everything in life, another one third of my life gone, to the only thing in this world that allows anyone to have any freedom, the remainder of the eight hours of my life every day are spent doing the stupid things life requires you to do to keep the world and everyone else happy.