The Empress of Rome

10: Guileful Guards

GLOSSARY: 

castra - army camp

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If there were ranks of adulterer, I was surely climbing my way up.

My relationship with Lepidus changed entirely. Every night for weeks, I'd sneak out to be with Lepidus. I felt more guilty and tired every time, but Lepidus would be so happy and I loved him. I would've done anything for him.

I felt exhausted all the time. Lepidus would take up much of my nights and then I'd spend the rest of it lying awake next to my husband. I didn't feel like eating much, and I simply stayed at home rather than visiting my sisters or going out - I was much too tired to do anything.

I felt queasy and had to throw up often. The guilt was eating away at me, I assumed.

Gnaeus and Onesimus became increasingly concerned for me, but what could I have told them?

Gnaeus had invited Macro to dinner, just as I'd asked, in hopes that I'd return to my usual self.
Only hours before he was due to arrive, I was sitting in front of my mirror staring at myself and trying to fix my hair when I heard a soft knock at the door. I didn't even glance over. I couldn't stop making eye contact with the exhausted girl in the mirror.  I could barely recognize her with her darkened eyes and greyed skin. She was ugly.

The door opened with a soft creak as Onesimus quietly snuck into the room. I gave him a small smile.

"You don't look good, Domina"

He's right.

He came over, then crouching next to me, he reached out a meaty hand to place on my shoulder. He was right - my eyes were red and puffy as if I'd been crying, my complexion pale, and the skin below my eyes discolored.

 I maintained my smile in an effort to reassure him.

"Well, that's rude of you to say."

I made eye contact with his reflection. He looked older. The first signs of aging touched his previously smooth skin. 

"Domina, is everything alright? Is Dominus...did he do something? Try anything? Hurt-"

My eyes snapped to meet his and I felt a mix of passionate rage and guilt well up in my chest. For a short time, I no longer felt the exhaustion wearing on my limbs.

"Why do you always assume it's something Gnaeus has done? Why can't I do anything wrong? Just because he's supposed to be the man in front of me doesn't mean that I have to live in his shadow like an insignificant rat!"

Where did that come from? I wasn't mad at Gnaeus...was I? 

Onesimus fell silent. He looked even more concerned than before. His hand was still on my shoulder and we stared at each other in tense silence for a long while. Finally, he inhaled sharply and opened his mouth to speak.

"Domina-"

The door swung open with a loud creak as Clemens burst in.

"He's here!"

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I sat across from Macro with a wide smile on my face. Gnaeus looked extremely suspicious of my grin.