A Flower in a Field

avery

I turned up the volume on my music, hoping to drown out some of the thoughts that wouldn't leave me alone. I never went higher then half volume when I ran, but today I was well past it. It forced me to run faster, to focus on the movement in my legs, rather than the thoughts in my head. I didn't know how long I had been running for, but I didn't plan on stopping any time soon.

I will stay in this escape as long as my body will allow me to, because I would do anything to distract myself from the single question that keeps forcing me to replay the things I've seen and gone through. The events that I will never stop trying to suppress.

I didn't want to think about Mackenzie yelling or crying or hurting herself. I felt my heart rate quicken just from the thought. My legs moved faster, and I tried not to think about it; I tried not to let myself relive the memories: December, January, last week; my lungs felt like they were caving in, but I didn't stop. I didn't stop because I knew it would be worse if I did. When I'm running I'm in control; it's an escape from my mind, from myself.
An image of a knife flashes in my mind.

No. Please, no, I can't go through it again. I can't.

I focus on the movement of my legs, on the people passing, the ground moving beneath my feet.
Yelling, crying, a body underneath me, a weapon in my hand.

Breathe Avery, breathe Avery.

Sitting in front of a door, talking myself down, darkness, pitch-black, lips on mine.

Everything in real time faded away. I could no longer feel my body; I could no longer focus on my legs because they weren't there. I didn't know where they'd gone and it was scary and I was scared and I had drifted off to a place where I was nothing but metaphysical particles floating amidst the black canvas that is the world.

Breathe Avery, calm down. You're fine, it's okay, you're okay, everything's okay-

I opened my eyes and I was on the ground. There were blades of grass trapped in grooves they created in my knees. There was a bruise on my shin.

What the-

I reached out to touch the sidewalk, to make sure it was there, and decided it'd be best if I waited a little longer before I tried to sit up. I took deep breaths, and tried my hardest to clear my mind of everything worrying. I closed my eyes and felt the heat of the sun on my face; it was hot that day. My heartbeat was uncomfortable and echoed in my ears.

Breathe.

I counted to three as I inhaled, counted to three as I exhaled and tried to think of something, anything else. An image of water flashed in my mind, first a pool- with six lanes and small starting blocks and uncomfortably warm water. Then a picture of a lake with zebra mussels and cold water and a lime green kayak.

I smiled.

I felt my heartbeat slow as my thoughts changed to a person; as I thought about her. Chocolatey brown eyes that sparkle in the sunlight, lips pink as a lily and curly hair like spun gold. A laugh as light as rain and a smile as bright as the stars. The taste of watermelon on her lips and the smell of honey and meadows. Nothing in this world was as medicinal to me as the perfection that is Charlotte Hazel Ellington.

I felt a smile form on my face as I took a deep breath in, and contemplated one single thought with such fear as well as gratefulness.

How did I get here?