A Panic Attack

Panic

A wave of fear crashes into you, knocking you to the floor in one swift movement. It's been building for a little while now, and you can't fight it off any longer.

Panic has grabbed hold. And they aren't letting go.

Your breathing is coming in short, ragged bursts, getting in just enough air to choke out a sob before you're sucking in another breath. You aren't getting enough air, and you know it, but there's nothing you can do.

Panic's iron grip is wrapped around your throat.

As the horror tears through your body, you start to shake. You rock yourself back and forth, back and forth, attempting to soothe yourself. Every muscle in your body tenses as you attempt to fight off the onslaught of fear.

While your body is being overtaken, so is your mind. You look around the room hoping to see something, anything that could ease your suffering. As your eyes move from one object to the next, it's like you don't see the objects at all. Everywhere you look is something else that intensifies your fear. It's like all you're seeing are the faces of demons from the depths of hell, all of them hellbent on killing you in every way they know you fear.

While you know deep down that there aren't actually demons in the room with you, it doesn't matter. Once Panic has put the thought into your mind it isn't going anywhere.

You put your head between your legs to block out the grotesque images as you continue to cry and rock and scream. Your breathing isn't coming any easier and the thought that you might pass out creeps into your mind. Your thoughts go back to the demons around you, the portents of doom intent on killing you. A sob rips through you as you try to think rationally, but the fog of fear has settled over your brain and let down anchors. They want to kill you, they're going to kill you...but isn't that what you want? Death will bring an end to this. Panic can't follow you in death, you'd be safe. But you're too scared to do it yourself, and you can't let the demons do it, it will hurt, it will hurt so bad, you can't let them kill you, you can't, you just can't...

You're trapped, you're trapped, you're trapped, you're trapped...

But then it starts to slow. Your tears aren't falling so incessantly, your sobs have quieted. You're breathing is evening out as the shaking in your body shudders to a stop. You stop rocking yourself and look around hesitantly to check that the demons have gone. Every muscle in your body aches and you collapse onto your stomach in exhaustion. Your mind is your own once more, and you think yourself insane for ever giving it up in the first place. How could you let that happen, why couldn't you just calm down? How could you be so stupid?

Just as you're starting to feel normal again you feel a tap on your shoulder. You freeze. Why would they be back already? Haven't they had enough of me?

"Aren't you done with me yet," you whisper, your voice cracking. You slowly turn to face Panic, and your blood runs cold as you see your own face smiling back at you.

"Until next time," Panic says. They wink at you and disappear.

Author's Note:

I wanted to try to show people who have never experienced a panic attack what it feels like. I don't know if I've achieved that, but nevertheless writing this was cathartic. For anyone confused about the demons, I included them for two reasons: 1, to show just how irrational we are during a panic attack - how just one thought can derail us. And 2, I used them as a way to try to bridge the gap between those that have experienced panic attacks and those that haven't - I imagine people that have never had one would find it hard to understand what may be a normal trigger for me, and since everyone's triggers are different I figured demons are a pretty universally scary thing.

If you have panic attacks and decided to brave this despite the trigger warnings, I hope this wasn't too hard to read. The last thing I want is for this to serve as a trigger. Just in case it has, or if anyone wants some ideas, I thought I'd share some things that I do to cope with an attack in the next part.

Thank you for reading, and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcome.

Audrey :)