The Sin and The Sun

Part 12: Deafening Technicolor

***Pinterest picture (cr: to owner)

***Time skip (about 3-4 months)

We're a third into the new semester and, surprisingly enough, Jun and I have a class together. The universe is working in some mysterious ass ways and sometimes I just wish I could have a conversation with it. I still keep in touch with my psych friends and we still meet up at the bar after exams. I don't think these people will actually ever leave my life and I'm grateful for that. Unfortunately, after that one night, Lexi did have an episode we all saw coming, but none of us are superheroes we can only do so much. She didn't get to finish the semester with us since she had to be admitted and ended up staying in the hospital for the rest of the year. Luckily, she's back with us now and I usually bump into her before my creative writing class with Jun. Every time I see her I see a part of myself that I can't stand, don't get me wrong I have nothing against Lexi, she just shows me what I don't want to see about myself. I hate how I still get so easily consumed by negative emotions that I fall apart once I get too exhausted from fighting them. Jun encourages me to allow myself to feel and go through whatever it is.

But... when I do, it's always bad.

***Flashback to New Year's Eve

Reluctantly, I gave in to my friends begging for me to throw a party at my house for the new year. My backyard was now filled with folks from school and Jun's coworkers from the bar. Music was blaring from all four corners and DJ lights were giving me a headache. I stood leaning against a wall away from everyone else sipping on whiskey. It's not that I don't like partying or that I don't like any of these people, but backyard parties remind me of home. Remind me of my family.

Back in my hometown, we were the house everyone went to to get drunk, get high, or just to fuck around all night. My grandma believed it was better that we do such things in the safety of our own home instead of out there in the streets. After a while, I got tired of waking up feeling like my body was getting revenge, feeling like my head was going to explode, and I hated knowing I was doing nothing with my life. So one day I just stopped. When that happened my head was finally clear, I was able to see what was going on around me. Everyone was talking, but nothing made sense. Not one person could walk straight. Some people were crying and some people were arguing. It was complete madness, I was sure that this was killing everyone and I wasn't quite ready to die.

The party happening here, in my own home, didn't necessarily look the same. Everyone was smiling and laughing until they couldn't breathe. Some huddled in groups they knew and some strayed off to meet new people. It was actually quite interesting to observe, but the anxiety was creeping slowly. I feared the worst in crowds of intoxicated people, under the influence people can be unpredictable, and if anything I feared myself the most. I was feeling insecure and incredibly vulnerable at the moment. Most of my free time has been spent with Jun and every moment was something I never imagined. Right now, he was talking to a waitress from the bar he worked at. Though I knew he felt nothing for her other than comradery, I knew how she felt, and she was severely bad at trying to hide it. I was laughing to myself, funny of her to think she could win him over when I had already sunk my teeth in too deep, or maybe it was the other way around.

Jun caught my stare and I could see him making his way through the crowd towards me, "Joy, you're staring," he said. I finished my drink, tossed it, and pushed past him to make myself another. A moment later and I feel his arms from behind wrap around my waist. I was at a crossroads: I could either push him off or move my neck to the side for him to fall into. His breath in my ear was giving me chills and so I gave in, he slowly, without saying a thing, gave me the smallest butterfly kiss in the crook of my neck. My legs gave out and Jun tightened his grip around me and held me even closer, "Joy, I don't have any comprehensible words at the moment to explain how I feel about you. Just know, you're all I see. The only soul I'm willing to give myself to," and with that, he gave me a peck on the cheek and walked off. I put my hand on the table to hold myself up, I couldn't believe what I was mentally and physically experiencing. I feel like, like... fucking I have no clue what I feel like I just know I never want these feelings to leave me. I poured heavy into my drink this time and went off to dance with some friends. Without pacing myself or eating anything I kept on drinking to ride out the high. I was falling foolishly in love with Jun and I didn't want to admit it. I thought that if I were to ever say it out loud it would disappear. This thought suddenly flooded my body and drowned out my high. I stopped on the dance floor, dropped my drink, and stared at the night sky. I couldn't hear a thing. I could only feel the bass in my chest and I just wanted to scream. Soon I saw fireworks above me, lighting up the darkness as if the sky had begged for it.

Jun knocked me out of my aloofness and pulled me close, "I am so overjoyed to be starting the new year with you. Joy, will you let me kiss you?" I stared at him nodding yes before he slowly took me in. This moment felt like an eternity, my own infinity, I wanted nothing more than to stay in this blinding, deafening moment for the rest of my life. I was losing it, I was really starting to lose my grip on this reality, I had tears falling down my cheeks and had the urge to push him off of me but couldn't. He kept his lips on mine and wiped my tears. I broke the kiss and buried my face into his chest.

People slowly left and the last group was gone around 3 a.m. Of course, most of that group were Jun's friends, including Ms. Pendejada who really couldn't take a hint. So I chose to walk them all out and made sure I was the last face she saw when leaving. I shut the door and leaned my back against it, Jun was standing a few feet from me, hands in his pockets with a very suspicious smirk on his face. I laughed with my arms crossed, "What are you looking at?" He began to walk towards me and instead of letting him I moved away from the door and sped right past him. Not bothering to look back I walked into my room looking for clothes to change into and wash up. He was leaning against my door frame which I didn't notice until he said, "If I did something wrong, please Joy, tell me. Don't avoid me."

The truth was he didn't do anything wrong at all, I was just out of control. I stopped dead center of my room facing the opposite way, "You did nothing wrong Jun. You never do, the problem isn't you. You know that! I know it! Why are you here?! Why are you still here? Why do I continue to feel shit for you that I don't understand?! Why has my world suddenly become so colorful? How is it that when you play the piano I can hear notes I've never heard before? Why does food taste better when we eat together? Why Jun?! Why do you make me smile? And... Why don't I regret letting you?" I opened the door and was facing him now, yelling at the top of my lungs, pushing and punching his chest, he was in the hallway. I was a crying mess, I slammed the door in his face, and began to trash my room.

I heard almost nothing, only Jun banging on the door to let him in, and the voices in my head. I brought a bat to every mirror and every furniture piece, pushed my desk in front of my door to stop him from getting in, found a bottle of Jack, and blacked out.

My body felt like it weighed a ton, I couldn't open my eyes, every sound was muffled, and Jun was still trying to break in.

***End of flashback