The Sin and The Sun

Part 9: Voices

***Author's photo

I sat there staring at his beautiful handwriting before opening up my book to read. I decided to fold up the letter and use it as a bookmark, hoping that any time I needed it I could look at it again and feel what I feel now. Another hour passed by until I heard Jun wake up and saw him groggily walking over to the kitchen table. He sat across from me and laid his head down on his arms before letting out a big sigh, "Joy, I really am sorry about last night, yesterday, everything. I'm sorry." I put my book down and placed a hand on top of his head to ruffle his hair, "Don't worry about it. Honestly, I've seen worse happen. Let's forget about it. Don't you have work in a few hours?" I asked. He shot up remembering that it was Saturday, I offered to drive him home but Jun responded by shaking his head vigorously and pouting. I think I just caught a glimpse of his childish side. "Haha, you just started there. If you don't go it's gonna make you look bad," I told him while still laughing at his upset face.

He stared at his hands for a minute before looking back at me, "Aghhhh! Okay, you're right. I guess I'll go to work. It's Saturday, what will you be doing?" Truthfully, I didn't want to leave his side, I didn't want him to leave me. There was so much running through my mind and my emotions were starting to feel dangerous. I hardly knew a thing about Jun and I was already willing to bury a body for him no questions asked. I waved my book and said, "I actually have a study group to go to in an hour or so. Knowing them we'll most likely end up at the bar after we finish. So... I'll see you later anyway." He smiled back at me and got on his phone to order a ride home. I felt a little sad that he wouldn't let me take him but he insisted that I rest before my study session. Within 15 minutes he was gone and my home felt empty again. I was becoming used to his presence, even the light in my kitchen left with him and I felt the need to drink and hurt myself. It's not that I needed him, or that I depended on him, I just didn't know how to shine like him.

This was also the part I hated about growing relationships, it showed me how much I really couldn't handle being alone. "How stupid. So damn stupid," I said to myself. Here I was aching for a presence that only appeared a couple of weeks ago and already I was itching to get him back to me. I sat in my room on the floor, hands over my ears, trying to drown out all of the horrible thoughts that began to take over.

"You're not worth it..."

"He'll run eventually... the same way everyone else did."

"It's impossible to love you. You're too much!"

"Who would want to be around someone who's too much to handle?!"

My mind was drowning in self-hate and I was fighting the urge to hurt myself. I turned on some music, jumped in the shower, and cried my heart out. I want to be better, I have always wanted to be better, but more often than not the hate inside me was stronger than anything else. I let the water run from my hair and own my back until I couldn't cry anymore. I felt better, crying was nothing compared to inflicting pain on myself, but I had to at least try. I got dressed and headed out to meet up with my group. I walked into the coffee shop only to see it packed with other students, I looked around and found my group. I walked over and said, "Looks like y'all got here early enough to grab a table. Thanks for waiting for me!" This was my Psych 101 group, the same group of students I always got drunk with. We all got along pretty well and always had a good time together. We often discussed deeply the chapters we were reviewing in class and how they coincided with our daily lives.

A couple of hours had passed and we were deep into our studies, making flashcards, rewriting notes, and asking each other for help. My friend Alex threw his notebook on the table and let out a sigh of frustration, "I can't do it anymore," his voice was cracking. We all looked at each other and then at Alex setting aside our books and such. He put his face in his hands and started to sob as quietly as he could. Sarah, another classmate, rubbed his back and asked what's wrong. We all waited to hear him out, "My sister, I walked in her room the other day and caught her shooting up. I have tried so hard to keep her sober. I moved her into my place, I work full time and study to support the both of us. And this... this is how she thanks me!" He was starting to shout and other students were staring. I wanted to say something but bit my tongue instead, Carmela chose to speak up instead. "Alex, she's been doing it for years now. Her mind and her body don't know any better at this point. Besides, we all know that you know she can't become sober and stay sober at home. Eventually, you're gonna have to put her in rehab, it's what's best for both of you." Alex wiped his face clean nodding in agreement, "I know, she just begs and begs for me not to send her to one. She hates going through withdrawals alone. She always says it feels like she's dying and she'd rather kill herself than go through it."

Everyone looked away, hung their heads low, and stared at their feet, "Alex, I don't really know how else to say this so I'm just gonna be straight up. Not taking her to get professional help is going to kill her, and you," I said brutally. It hurt my own heart to say it even though it wasn't my family, it just reminded me of my own. He thanked us all for listening and we continued on to study until someone suggested we head to the bar. My heart lit up at the thought and we took off. I felt a bit selfish with my mood changing to a happy one so quickly, but I was going to see Jun, and I couldn't resist smiling.

We all arrived at the bar grabbing our usual table, even though the mood was much livelier, we could all feel the undertones of sadness. I looked over at the bar to see Jun staring at me, all I could do was smile and look away shyly. He knew what he was doing to me and he didn't care. Sarah slammed her hand down on the table and shouted, "First things first bitches! Shots! Shots! Shots!", we all shouted back in agreement. After we ordered our first round I noticed Jun decided to come out from behind the bar and serve the shots personally, his eyes never leaving my face, "Hey ya'll, this rounds on the house. If you need anything else just holler. Enjoy!" He stopped and stared at me for a moment before leaving back towards the bar. I was stuck, I couldn't say a thing, everyone watched us both until Lexi chose to speak, "Well damn he's fine. Sav he looks like he's in love with you. Do you guys know each other?" I just laughed and shook my head, "Yea, he's a good friend of mine. Anyways, raise your glasses assholes. This is for us, the shit we endure, everything we fight for! Salu!"

The night went on full of laughter, full of shit talking, and full of alcohol. I got up to go to the bathroom and on my way back shot Jun a small smile, just then some nobody slapped my ass. I stopped dead in my tracks, my table looking over at me, I turned around to look at him ready to break a bottle over his head. Before I knew it Jun grabbed him by the collar and threw him to the floor. I rushed to try and pull him off the man but I had no strength due to being so drunk. Soon enough security and the bar manager pulled them apart and tossed the drunk man out. Everything was happening so fast my head was starting to spin, "Hey, Joy... look at me, are you okay?" Jun was holding me up as my friends came rushing over to check on me as well. Why is that every moment of heightened emotions made me feel like my life was about to end? Why did everything become so deafening? Why is Jun the only one I can see? Why is he all I could hear?