Ballin' [slumptacion]

FifteeN

[ J A H S E H ]

I had been studying for a while because of my slacking in class, caused by distractions - such as switching into my child-alter every other minute. And also, Stokeley. I couldn't stop thinking about Stokeley.

I found myself very often daydreaming about him, which eventually turned sexual, which also was a trigger for my DID, so that only caused me to slip into headspace.

When we didn't have class together, I wondered what he was doing, if he had any food yet, if he had a good night of sleep, if he was happy... if he was thinking about me too. And every now and then, while I was busy thinking about him, my phone would ding, and he's check up on me. And those damn butterflies, jeez, they started flying around in my tummy every single time.

I was in my dormroom now though, deciding to take a break from studying. I try to keep my phone off, since it's a distraction and I always wait for Stokeley to text me. But now that I'm on a break, I turned it on.

And immediatelt, I saw 7 unread new message notifications pop up. My phone started going off so much that I had to turn the sound off. They were all from him.

Stokeley😩💗:
Can We Talk?

Stokeley😩💗:
I'm Sorry

Stokeley😩💗:
I Do Like You. I Didn't
Mean To Hurt Your
Feelings.

Stokeley😩💗:
Ik You're Mad But This
Means A Lot To Me So
I Need You To Answer..

Stokeley😩💗:
Please

Stokeley😩💗:
Jah?

Stokeley😩💗:
U There?

I sighed at the notifications. He really did hurt my feelings. Little Seh had chose him as a caregiver and when he said that he didn't like me at all, little Seh found it hurtful. I personally am used to it, people grow tired of me, I just couldn't control Seh, he saw Stokeley as a father figure. And I though Stokeley agreed that that's okay. I, on the other hand, am used to shit like that. People usually grow tired of me so it didn't really bother me.

Well, that was a lie. Even though I'm used to it doesn't mean it won't hurt. Also, I really liked this dude, and obviously I had a crush on him. I had really just started trusting him and I thought we were good friends. But at the same time, I knew he was probably struggling with his sexuality.

I mean, look at how he has been treating me, he's all nice and wants to take care of me but the second he realizes he's showing affection to another man, he turns around and says something homophobic. This is why I won't let it faze me. He's probably bisexual or something, still trying to figure himself out. And that's probably also why he punched someone who tried to hit on me. Because he likes me, atleast I hope he does.

But just because he's trying to come to terms with his sexuality, doesn't mean he can automatically treat me like shit. I have feelings too, and frankly, I'm absolutely not in the right place to be treated like some experiment for him to find out who he is. I'm going through it right now and he knows that.

Also, I don't really think he'd like me for who I actually am. For the first time in years, I've been having a shit ton of anxiety about me being intersex. I had built up confidence about it throughout the years, but it was slowly breaking down because of him. If he couldn't even accept that he's bi, or accept other gay people, how would he ever accept that I'm a dude born with female parts.. He'd think I'm some sort of freak. It's a miracle he doesn't know about it yet, considering we went to the same high school. Symere is the only one who knows.

I didn't wanna reply to him. Even though I liked him, he still hurt my feelings. But I couldn't bring myself to leave him hanging.

Me:
Sorry, I was studying..
What do you want?

I decided  to put a little attitude to it.
My phone almost immediately vibrated. He has never replied this fast before.

Stokeley😩💗:
Can We Talk Jahseh? Please

Me:
I'm listening.

Stokeley😩💗:
I'm Sorry For What I Said.
It Was Unnecessary And I
Didn't Mean it.

Me:
So why'd you say it..🙄

Stokeley😩💗:
Cuz I Panicked. I Didn't
Know What To Do. I Felt
Exposed.

Me:
Stoke.. I don't really know what you're
going through right now, cuz you don't
talk to me about it, but wtv it is you don't
get to hurt my feelings over it.

Me:
I ain't do shit but be a good friend to you..

Stokeley😩💗:
I Know Jah This Is What I'm
Tryna Say Bruh. I Like You.

Me:
Yes, like i said, we're friends.
you better like me if we friends.

Stokeley😩💗:
Jah No, I Don't Think You
Understand. I LIKE You.

I stared at the screen, trying to comprehend what he just told me. He just said he doesn't like me at all, and now he says he likes me? He really does? I mean, I guess I had my speculations but having it confirmed, and so bluntly, still shocked me. My hands started to sweat and I felt myself growing nervous, butterflies flapping their wings all over my body. I have no idea what to reply to him.

Me:
No you don't.

Stokeley😩💗
Huh?

Stokeley😩💗
Yes I Do

Me:
No

Stokeley😩💗
Bruh What?? Yes I Do???

Me:
No

Stokeley😩💗:
Yes?

Me:
No

I quickly turned my phone off before he could answer again. I've decided that I'm just simply not going to accept it. There's no way he likes me, he ain't even come out yet. And even if he does, that's still not a valid excuse to hurting my feelings, even though I appreciate that he apologized. Sigh. Whatever, let me just get back to studying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N:

Hi. i hope this isn't too confusing.

I'll stick w shorter chapters for a while, that way I can update more often. sorry, but it's the best i can do rn.

thank you for supporting me,
i need that.

lmk what you think :P