13 Flames | gxg

39 - because i love you

Palmer

The elevator doors close and I nearly drop to my knees in the hallway. My heart beats faster and I run my hands through my hair.

"No," I whisper. "No."

I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have said any of it. There was some truth behind my words but the harshness was uncalled for. She must hate me.

I need to apologize. For all of it. I need to tell her the truth about how I feel.

I sprint back down the hallway to my apartment and burst through the doorway. Brayden stands nearby, confused.

"Palmer, what the hell just happened?" he asks as I grab my shoes and a jean jacket. I slide them on, leaving the laces untied. I grab my phone, keys, and wallet and reach for the doorknob.

"I screwed up. You should go." I step away but glance back. "And thanks, Brayden."

"Go get her." He gives me an encouraging smile.

I return it with a sad smile of my own and leave my apartment. I'm on the sidewalk in five minutes. The streets are crowded and noisy, cars honking on the streets and tourists bustling around. Someone bumps into me and apologizes. He looks up and tilts his head as if trying to recognize me. I step away before he does.

There's a man on the corner drumming on some buckets, a small pale in front of him with some cash. I grab his attention.

"Hey man, I need your help."

He switches his drumming to a series of light paradiddles on the main bucket. "What's up?"

"You see a girl rushing through her a moment ago? Long brown hair, wearing blue jeans and a red t-shirt."

"Uh, that's half the people out here," he points out.

"I know, but she would be rushing, keeping her head down. Maybe... maybe crying," I add.

The drummer takes a moment to think. "Yeah, actually, there was this one girl that ran through here, definitely could've been crying."

"Where'd she go?" I prompt eagerly.

He gestures down the street and gives me a brief direction. I thank him and drop a ten dollar bill into the bucket before heading that way.

I know where she went. There's a park about a twenty minute walk from here. We had a picnic there together about a month ago. After we ate, we sat together on the blanket. She was turned perpendicular to me, her head on my stomach. It was beautiful.

I shove through the crowds of people and nearly get hit by a car as I run across the street without waiting for the light to turn. Twice.

When I get to the park it's nearly 5:30. Darkness has settled across the city, the sun peeking above the horizon. I have an amazing view of the sunset over the water, but it will only last a few more minutes. I follow the trail and stop walking when I see her. She leans against the railing beside the water, her eyes on the sunset. Her hands are clasped in front of her, her hair falling down into her face.

I approach cautiously and lean beside her onto the fence. Neither of us say a word. Instead, we watch the sunset in silence.

Once the sun disappears over the horizon, I finally look at her. She's crying. The sight brings tears to my own eyes. I inch closer and she doesn't move away. Twilight holds above us, blues and purples shadowing her face. She keeps her gaze forward and she noticeably swallows.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. My voice breaks and the first tear rolls down my cheek.

"You weren't wrong." She speaks so softly I have to lean forward to hear her. "This hasn't been fair to you."

"It hasn't been fair to any of us," I tell her. "That's not your fault, Lex." More tears escape but I don't wipe them away.

"I'm so sorry, Palmer."

Our shoulders brush and she shivers beside me. Goosebumps trail across her skin and she rubs her arms to fight off the cold. I pull off my jean jacket and drape it across her shoulders. As soon as I touch her she leans sideways into my arms, her tears spilling over into sobs.

I rub my hand up and down her back beneath the jacket, keeping her close. I bury my face in her hair, the smell of flowers meeting my nose. She tilts her head and I lean down, my lips brushing her forehead. Her hands wrap around my waist and one sneaks under the fabric of my shirt. My skin sparks where her palm presses against me.

We stay silent, holding each other beneath the faded stars of twilight.

When we break away I hold her face in my hands. "I'm not mad at you, Lexa. I could never be mad at you," I whisper.

She takes my hands in her own, pressing them against her cheeks. "I need to talk to James."

I nod. "Do what you need to, Lexa. Cause I'll still be here."

She gives me a sad smile. "Stay close."

"Always."

I let her go and she takes out her phone to call James. "Hey, I'm coming home now." She sighs and closes her eyes. "I just needed to take care of something on set." She pauses as he says something. "Okay, yeah, I'll figure it out. Okay. Bye." She hands up without saying 'I love you.'

"What is it?" I ask.

"Nothing, he just wanted to know where I was. And he said he ate without me so I should grab something on my way home."

I frown. He should've waited for her. And he's only just now worried about where she's been?

"Palmer?" Lexa draws me back.

"Come back to my place, we can eat together," I offer.

She looks down at the ground. "I don't think that's a good idea," she says quietly.

"It's just dinner, Lex. I want to make sure you eat."

She takes a step closer and surprises me by pulling me into a hug. Her hands wrap around my shoulders and I grab her waist. Her head finds its spot against my neck.

"Thank you," she whispers. Her lips brush against my neck as she speaks. I respond by holding her tighter. My heart stops beating in my chest as her lips meet my neck, harder. She kisses me softly and pulls away immediately after.

I grab her hands and force her to look at me. "No more avoiding, Lexa," I tell her. "No more hiding. We talk things through, like we always have. Okay?"

She smiles. "Okay."

"And... you can't keep kissing me."

Her smile quickly disappears. "I-I don't mean to."

I give her a sad smile. "I know. But only for the cameras."

She nods. I hate to tell her. But those small kisses draw me in, only make me want her more. They can't continue if she's going to marry James.

I don't want you to marry James. The words rest on the tip of my tongue but I refuse to let them spill over. Now's not the time.

We leave the park, walking side by side.

I don't want you to marry James. The words pull at my tongue but I keep my mouth shut. Because with that sentence comes another. One I haven't allowed myself to consider until now.

I don't want you to marry James. Because I love you.