KakaObi Oneshots

Can't Sleep

*TW: Suicidal thoughts, Self-Harm, dramatic and depressing.*

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The night was never inviting. The darkness entrapped him in his thoughts. These thoughts in his head constantly which Kakashi so desperately tried to avoid.

It's been a few years since Obito died. Before his teammate died, Obito was always in his mind. His first real friend, and then he was gone. Not enough time spent together and now there would never be enough time. Obito occupied Kakashi's thoughts after that day. It filled him with longing and regret. But most of all guilt, because he was the one who should have died that day. But Kakashi had a job to do, and he couldn't let his emotions get in the way of his performance now could he? So Kakashi did what everyone else does.

Ignore your pain because everyone has pain and you're not special. Everyone's lost someone, this is war. But the war ended, and he still felt empty. He needed a drive...a goal. A distraction.

Kakashi was assigned to ANBU. He knew Minato-sensei had the best intentions and who was he to say no. It would give him something to do. It would give him a purpose. What would he be without a purpose anyway. Like a sword on display with nothing to cut. Not useful to anyone.

His missions were always carried out with frightening precision. The pleads of his victims were meaningless. Nothing mattered. Just the mission. He wouldn't ever go with emotion anymore, not when it could jeopardize the mission. He threw himself into it, risking his own life in the process. His own life didn't really matter. It was as insignificant. At most he would be thought about for a moment, then forgotten entirely, never to be remembered.

When the mission ended, Kakashi lies awake. Alone and prey to his own thoughts. The emotions he suppressed deep down during the missions rise up from the darkness. I can't sleep.

Obito.

His thoughts always drifted to that boy. His death as fresh in his mind as if it were yesterday...as if it just happened. It was so gruesome. So tragic for a boy with limitless potential to be crushed by a rock to save his teammates life. Kakashi's life...of all people. An orphan, belonging to a dead clan. He who had no significance to anyone prior now possessed the Sharingan of his best friend who died to save him.

Was sleep even really essential? After all how could he sleep when all he could see was Obito's bloodied face and his eye would hurt. No one believed him, phantom pain they had called it. So he pushed it down like everything else. Drown the pain in more blood. More suffering.

But how much blood was enough?

How much pain would he cause before it was over?

Before it finally ended.

Suicide was always an option. His father took it easily. No regard for his son who would now have no parents at all. Kakashi was alone no one would miss him. All he would have to do is take a kunai and nothing could stop him. No one would be there to stop him. It could be over...

No. He couldn't. Obito saved him. He died in place of Kakashi. Kakashi couldn't do it. This is what he deserved now. It's his own fault he's suffering. He just can't seem to push these feelings away. They always rise up. Can't sleep. He can't sleep because his thoughts always came in the night.

Die on a mission. His subconscious whispered. Then it wouldn't be directly your fault now would it? So Kakashi became reckless. Too reckless, gathering attention from other ANBU.  The 'friend-killer is suicidal' talk spread then reached Minato's ears.

"Kakashi, take off your mask." Minato called Kakashi in. Seeing his old student had grown a bit, his eyes tired. He must not be sleeping. Minato didn't know what to say. Was this his fault? He put him in ANBU, Kakashi needed a purpose that much he knew, but was this too much?

"You are to take a break from the ANBU. Kakashi, please take care of yourself." Minato had said but it sounded like a plea. Kakashi stood silent for a moment. His facial features not revealing how he really felt.

"If you want me to take a break I will, Hokage-sama." Kakashi answered as emotionless as a wall. But that's to be expected of the ANBU. Minato sent him away, with no further discussion wondering what he could do to help his former student, and if he could do anything really. Minato got the undeniable feeling that things were worse than what he saw on the surface.

The nighttime creeped up on him. As it did so everyday since Obito's death. Kakashi was tired. He had gone three days without sleeping. He had nothing to do. No missions to force himself awake and have something to do. Surely he could pass out now from pure exhaustion, and finally get some rest without the memories.

No. He could never be that lucky.

He did fall asleep but then awoke abruptly. He sat up from a horrible nightmare. Kakashi's breath quickened, his throat constricted as he felt like he couldn't breathe. His lungs weren't filling with air and he was drowning. Suffocating. So much blood. He can see it, it's everywhere. He couldn't take it. His trouble breathing only getting worse. He pulled his mask down maybe that would bring in some air. But it didn't. Obito's words. His voice. His death. The blood streaks down over the walls of his room. Kakashi clutched his chest as he tried to count. 1...2...3, 3...2...1. On repeat. The numbers easy to remember immediately focused on that and pulled him to the present. He closed his eyes shut, as he continued to count and his breathing slowed. He was no longer feeling like he was suffocating, but his breathing was still ragged as he laid back down on his back staring at the ceiling.

He grabbed a kunai and sliced his leg open a four inch gash. Out of a moment of desperation. He didn't even think he just did it. Just to feel something! Other than this uselessness or suffocation. Whatever he felt didn't matter. Don't acknowledge it. It would heal easily enough and he could say it happened on a mission. No one would think twice. The pain felt freeing. He could focus on this. The pain was physical it was clear and made sense. The nightmares were way more torturous.

None of what he felt now would never hurt as much as losing his best friend. The one he wanted to say those words to...But never got the chance because the Uchiha loved Rin and he was never going to actually say it to Obito. It would ruin their friendship. His first friendship. The blood started streaking down soaking the mattress. His own real blood this time. It would be easy to heal, and easy to cover up. But he couldn't move, and he felt the cool air against his numb leg and he could focus on the pain as he was lulled to sleep once again. He wouldn't bleed out and die, he wasn't that lucky.

Kakashi said to himself he would live for Obito and honor his friends sacrifice. It didn't mean he'd have to like it.
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