Just A Thrill

JAT: 100

Western Visayas Confession.

Since I am not that vocal as a person, my timidity and poor communication skills are maybe one of those reasons why I brought myself here in this page. Siguro hindi nga yata ako marunong sa banda kung paano ko nga ba maipaparamdam sa tao ang pagmamahal ko sa kanila gamit ang mga salita. Hindi nga pala siguro. Sigurado pala ako na hindi nga pala talaga ako marunong pagdating sa parteng 'yan. How frustrating this could be, right?

'Yong may gusto kang tao pero hindi mo masabi-sabi na gusto mo talaga siya. 'Yong tipong mahal mo siya pero ni hindi mo man lang alam paano mo ba maipaparamdam ang pagmamahal na 'yon. Hell, I don't even have any ideas how to be affectionate towards someone. Back then, I don't even know if this is one of my advantages but now, I could tell... that clearly, it is not. Kasi kung marunong lang akong ipakita ang emosyon ko, ang totoo kong nararamdaman, edi sana hindi na siya maguguluhan sakin. Hindi na sana siya mapapagod sakin. Hindi na sana siya mababagot kakahintay sakin.

Bukod doon, hindi ko rin itatanggi ang pride na namuo sakin habang may binubuo pa tayo nun na 'tayo.' Maybe because, it was just my way to protect my self. My pride caused too many reasons that it lead us together to end this way. I'm so sorry if I made it as my weapon. Ang dami ko pa sanang gustong sabihin pero magpapaligoy-ligoy pa ba ako? Eh ang totoong rason lang naman sa lahat ng 'to ay 'yon ay ang naduwag lang talaga ako. I am a coward for not taking risks with you. Duwag lang talaga ako kaya hindi ako sumugal sa'yo at lalong-lalo na sa atin kahit na mahal kita. Sobrang mahal pero ngayon, tanggap ko na na mamahalin na lang kita sa paraang alam ko. Sa paraang patago. Sa ngayon. 'Cuz I will make sure that soon enough, makakalimutan rin kita-no, kakalimutan kita. Kakalimutan kita pero hindi ang mga pinaramdam mo sakin lalo na ang mga ala-alang nabuo ko kasama ka kahit sa maiksing pagkakataon.

Bakit nga ba ako naduwag? Bakit nga ba ginawa ko ang pride na panangga sa lahat ng kung ano man ang naging meron tayo? As simple as it is, I was so afraid to get hurt. I played safe just to avoid a heartbreak without knowing na mas masakit pa pala ang magtapos tayo ng ganito. But I know I couldn't do anything anymore. I can't turn back time. I can't go back to the days where you were with me, teasing me during our late night convo, making fun of how pig I am when it comes to food. Kahit na, hindi naman talaga ako tumataba.

So maybe starting tonight, there will be a days, a night that I would think of many what-ifs in my life. In my life where you were still holding my hand, where you were still making me laugh and where you were still the reason of my thrill. I want to take this one chance to tell you how I loved you, JCB. And also, how sorry I am for chosing regrets than taking a risk. I'm sorry I am this bad at expressing my emotions but deep inside my heart, you genuinely mean a lot to me.

Even with that, I'm still thankful I got a chance to met you. My first ever real-thrill, my first ever heartbreak, and most especially, my first almost. You were been good to me despite the problems we've been face and through. And until our last night, you were still chose to be good. Kahit na nasasaktan na natin ang isa't-isa ng mga panahon na 'yon. And if you ask me if I am mad to you, then you're clearly wrong. Kasi kahit na nahihirapan na tayo, pinili mo parin sabihin ang totoong nararamdaman mo para sakin. Na pagod ka na, na unti-unti nang nawawala ang pagmamahal na una mong naramdaman sakin. With all of it, I considered you as my one that got away. Despite of the pain, the regrets and the heartaches that we've been shared, I am still thankful 'cuz we almost made it, didn't we?

M.D.

-End-