It's Not Me//DT

》9《

I didn't know what, but something felt off between us. We were just awkward, and it had come out of nowhere. He'd brought me back to my house, which left him to walk all alone in the night. I'd felt bad about that part. On our walk we really didn't say anything which is when the awkwardness began.

Now I was laying in my bed, staring at the pile of homework that had to be done. I could do it tomorrow, but right now I was beyond bored. Well no one was home, and there was a TV, but it was around 11 AM and nothing is ever good around 11.

I rolled around in my bed, bored out of my mind, today was going to be ridiculously boring, I could feel it. I went downstairs and made myself a little sandwich. Being suspended had some perks. Then I remembered, Mom didn't take away my laptop, and I could have it until 10 PM.

I finished eating my sandwich and dashed upstairs. I could have watched a movie on Netflix, but I felt a random burst of inspiration. I finally had an idea of what words to say for my presentational speaking speech.

"You think it'd be easy coming to terms with the fact that you'd been lied to. You'd think I'd get over it quickly, but deep down, I hadn't. Deep down, a part of me, a sliver of me resented my mother and father for the lie they had told me. The thing I could never figure out is, why? Why would they lie? Why would they slowly torment me to madness, when they knew the truth all along?

To lie about something as simple as a name. To think I would continue to trust them, when they couldn't tell me the truth."

That's...how I felt. I always had trouble describing truly how I felt, but when I let my hands do the talking, I could always learn how I felt. So that gave me an idea. Before I could even think, I was already opening up a new document.

How do I feel really about Grayson? I typed and again let my hands do the talking.

"When I'm around him, everything's fine. Everything's calm. Everything's peaceful. I do things I hate with him. I hate stargazing, and I still did that with him, just to spend time with him. I snuck out for him, and whether I want to believe it or not, I punched someone for him.

I don't want him to know my secret because I don't want him to be scared of me. I don't want him to be like Madison and turn on me. I don't want him to think of me as a freak.

I get scared around him. I get nervous. I get happier. I feel all these things and can never describe them. He claims he likes me, but everyone says that before they leave me in the dark. Everyone hates me, and I don't want him to hate me.

I like him, not as a friend, and not as a lover, but as something I just can't put my finger on. I like him to the point where I just can't describe it. I have a love/like for Ethan and Khalan, but Grayson and I's thing is different.

It makes me confused. He makes me laugh and I make him laugh. And I haven't really had an experience like this. I'm 17 and the only person I've remotely dated was Austin, one of Khalan's basketball buddies. I don't know how-- Grayson makes me feel the way I feel when I'm around a crush, but it's different in a way.

So maybe I do like him. If I admit that to him, will things change? If I admit that to him, will I have to tell him that the girl he sees really isn't me?"

I read over my words. Once, twice, third, and a fourth time. A part of me couldn't believe I had written them, but I had. They were there, staring back at me, waiting for me to do something about it. But what could I do?

Hm, tell him the truth, and ruin a good thing? Ruin a weird friendship I've never had before. I would be mistakenly driving him away. He would leave, maybe taking Ethan with him too. I would be back where I had started, alone. But Ethan wouldn't leave. He knew, but would Grayson be enough to drive a wedge in our friendship.