"dullness; lacking interest or excitement."
TW: mention of s3lfh4rm
pain, the emotion that was more intense than any other possible feeling. often kani felt like he wasn't able to experience that emotion. everyday feels the same, waking up, going to school, going to bed. living the same day over and over again wasn't what he wanted, but he was numb. his inner dullness made him feel unmotivated and cold, everyday.
whenever he stood on top of the school building he's visited everyday since he was six years old, he realised how lonely he was. don't get him wrong; he liked being alone, but sometimes he could really need someone to listen. and whenever he was alone, he wished he could go back to the first day of school. back to when everything was fine, back to when he wasn't an orphan and back to when he was.. well, happy. when he was glad to be able to be breathing.
he has to be honest, he hasn't felt joy in a very long time. it frustrated him not to know the reason for his inner dullness. ever since third grade, nothing seemed to excite him even in the slightest way possible. but that wasn't only the case with excitement, kani felt like he was unable to experience the feeling of emotional pain, too. maybe his frustration about not knowing why he felt this certain way was the trigger for him to start hurting himself for the first time during fifth grade, and he knew he did it on purpose.
you see, he never had bad grades, but the only subject that could wake some interest in him was philosophy. what a cliché, the quiet kid that likes philosophy.
he was always the average student. well, at least his grades were. behind his average looking, black haired and blue eyed fassade, hid a vulnerable and emotionally destroyed young boy, with no place to hide. the only problem was that he didn't know what to do about that, he was clueless. he was pretty sure that no one would ever understand him. after a while of trying to open up to literally anyone, he gave up. he didn't even succeed with his only and first friend, su nakamura. no matter how hard he tried, he never felt ready to open up to her about what he really felt like. deep down he felt lost. and lost was he indeed. lost in his own little world, the one he built up in his mind for years. he learnt how to build up his walls in order to protect himself. but why would he blame anyone? he doesn't understand himself as well, so he doesn't have any right to blame anyone else for not understanding the 13 year old boy that he was. or does he?
sooo, this is the second chapter of my very first book! i hope you like the idea of it as much as i do!!
