Road not taken

Dare

I fumble in my hurry to pick up the call. 'Hello.'

'Truth or dare, Jennifer?'

I swallow. 'Dare.'

'Come over.'

Have I heard him right?

'Come over?'

'Yes. That's my dare. We don't have a case yet, right? Come over now. To my place. I'll wait.'

He disconnects.

I sit for a minute, thinking.

Honestly? I pretend to think. I'm not even fooling myself anymore. I knew the second he asked that I would be going.

I go and see Emily, saying I'm not feeling very well, and I'll be taking her up on her offer after all.

And then I'm down the elevator, out on the road, on a cab.

I'm going towards him.

He lives in an old apartment building. There is no buzz-in system, virtually no security. I avoid the ratty old elevator and walk up the two flights of stairs- I came as fast as I could but now that I am here, I want slow. I'm afraid.

But I'm here now. I ring the doorbell and he opens the door. I look up at his face.

And my heart wrenches so badly I want to fall onto my knees right here, screaming 'why?' until my throat is scraped raw.

I try for a smile instead. 'Hey.'

He smiles faintly, and moves to let me in.

His apartment is just as I remember it. Everything green and dark beige, books everywhere, soft blankets, a few coffee mugs. Messy, inviting, homely.

He leads me to the couch. We sit, angling our bodies to face each other.

He's still got that hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth, like he's just heard some ironic joke. Looking at him, it strikes me suddenly- how different this man is from the awkward, lanky, unsure young boy I met all those years ago. His figure has filled out to be slim but graceful, his gaze is steady, he holds himself with easy self-assurance. He looks calm and poised. In front of him I feel small, I feel broken in pieces, I feel as if I'm taking steps only to fall through the floor.

'Tell me.', Spencer says, holding my eyes with his.

I don't have to ask what he means. But I can't find my voice.

'Please.', he says. 'I'd like to know.'

And I see it in his eyes now, see it in every line of his face. He's as desperately searching for answers as I am.