Road not taken

Don't look back

I help Spencer bring the food- pretty much untouched- and the crockery back home. Evening has fallen. It's time to go home.

Home.

Choking guilt churns inside me. Spencer says something and I almost miss it the first time.

'Sorry, what was that?'

'I asked if I could take a picture of you. I don't have any.', Which is predictable. Digital photos are not something Spencer has space in his life for.

'Sure', I say. He pulls out a digital camera from somewhere, he must be one of the only people on earth who haven't replaced their cameras with smartphones. He takes a simple picture, me standing near his desk. My mouth is open in a half-confused smile, my hands awkward. But he nods like this is exactly the picture he wanted. 'They print these, right?' he asks me and I assure him they do, and just like that, it's time to leave.

We linger near his door. We talked so much today, yet so much seem to hang in the air, so much more we could've said.

Could've had.

'I'll see you at work tomorrow?', he says.

'Yes.' I nod. We both understand the unspoken agreement- we're erasing today, we're going back to our old routine, we're strapping ourselves back to where we were before yesterday, what we were.

What we weren't.

'Okay', he says. We're standing close, so close, and suddenly I can't stand it. I think I'll run out of here right now. Then I walk in the opposite direction instead- close the two-step distance between us, put my arms around him and my face against his chest.

He holds me fiercely, crushing me against his body, burying his face in the crook of my neck and shoulder, inhaling deeply. Still it doesn't feel enough. I want him to mark my skin, to seep through and get into my bloodstream. I let myself want that, for the last time, for just this moment.

I look up, grab his face. Press my own face onto it. Feel his stubble on my cheek, his breath in my ear. The corners of our lips touch.

One second. Two.

I let go of his face.

We stand there, our arms around each other. He bows his head and touches his forehead against mine.

'In a parallel universe, Jennifer.', he whispers.

'In a parallel universe.' I echo.

He presses his lips on my forehead for a second- soft and warm against my skin. Then he releases me and steps away.

We don't say goodbye, but we know. This is goodbye. I have so much to figure out still, but one thing is crystal clear- I'm leaving Spence's JJ behind in this room today. Will's JJ is walking out. Will's JJ is going home. That's who I am now, and that's who I will be forever after.

I walk away. I don't look back.