Road not taken

Meave

'But it got easier with time. You were a true friend, and with our job- there's so much to think about, so much to figure out, I could always dedicate my brain to that. I didn't have to deal with feelings I didn't want, I just had to pick a problem to solve over them. And there were always problems, always psychopaths to catch. So I put all my focus there, and thought- I'm over my random infatuation, cool.'

He stops talking, eyes locked with mine. 'If only', they seem to say.

'Then you told us about Will.' He drinks a little water. Starts talking again. 'Jennifer, I wasn't ready for the amount of pure, undiluted jealousy I felt. Shakespeare said jealousy was the 'green-eyed monster', and it did feel like a monster was constantly scratching inside my chest, with horribly sharp claws.' And I can see it. I can see the pain in his eyes, even now. 'I didn't really know how to handle it; with that and Gideon's absence... I almost fell off the wagon again.'

No, please. No, no, no. I have enough guilt already, I don't want to find out I've had a hand on Spence's drug problems too.

'I didn't, though.' I let out the breath I was holding in. 'But it was hard...' His voice fades away as he reminisces and I don't want to know. I don't want to know of the pain I caused him.

'Strangely, the drug saved me in a way. It made me realize how unfit I was for you- for any relationship, really- how little I had to offer. It's human nature to want people, companionship, that special kind of love, but you can't involve someone else in your life just because you'd love them there- you have to give too. And what did I have to give? Struggling with addiction, no stability, no guidance, half the time I didn't even feel completely sane. I'd see people- on the road, in the parks, shops, trains- talking, laughing, normal, and it would feel alien to me, I'd feel like I don't know how to be that way, carefree, uncomplicated- all day, every day. I realized I had to get my life straightened out before I even dared to start thinking about someone else. And someone else was you.

I did better, eventually. I left dialudid behind, I learned to be stronger, to let go of my demons, to breathe a little more easily. By that time, you had Henry.'

'I said no the first time.' I say, stupidly.

'What are you talking about?' Spencer is puzzled.

'After I got pregnant. Will proposed. I said no. I...' Why am I even saying this? Yes, Will was ready to give me everything, but I had rational reasons to say no, didn't I? My career, not wanting a marriage just then, too afraid of a lifelong commitment... or had there been something else too? A faint shadow of a hope lurking in the background- for any kind of sign, for some hint of confession, for something- from this man before me?

How everything comes undone.

Spencer and I sit in silence, looking at each other. I know the pain, the regret in his eyes is mirrored on my own.

'I let you go, Jennifer.' He says, quietly. 'After holding Henry in my arms, after seeing you happy and glowing on the hospital bed that day, I let you go. I laid awake that night, thinking how you now have so much and I couldn't have given it to you, not then, not that easily. I wasn't jealous anymore. I was glad you had Will. In our job, not everyone gets lucky enough to have what you had with him, not everyone is brave enough to offer what he offered you.' He swallows. 'I know I hadn't been.'

'So you never said anything.', my voice is barely audible.

'So I never said anything.', he repeats. 'You already had everything you might possibly want, why would I barge in and try to ruin it? Plus, I thought you saw me as nothing more than a friend. I didn't want to lose your friendship too.'

I had half the picture, he had the other half. And reconstructing now, the blind spots are gone and I see it all, the missed steps and scared backtracks in our entwined path, the possibilities and impossibilities.

'I discovered that it is actually possible to be friends with someone you had feelings for. It's possible to lock the feelings behind routine, behind duty, behind solidarity. When we worked together, it's the work that was always important. When we hung out, I was genuinely invested in our conversations. When I visited your place, played with your kids, talked to Henry, I actually enjoyed myself. It's not like every time you were there my mind launched into romantic tangents. I didn't think of you that way all the time. In fact,' he picks up the water bottle again and turns in his hand, looking at sunlight refracting in the water. 'for a couple of years or so, I pretty much forgot about all this.'

'Maeve.' I say.

'Yeah.' Water sloshes inside the bottle, throwing reflections on the wall. 'I loved her, JJ.'

'I know.', I say.