I Hate Nothing About You

Chapter 2 - Cassie (Two Years Ago)

I had no idea whose house we were at. Honestly, I didn't really give a fuck as long as the party kept going. I drank down the last of what was in my red plastic cup and wondered if there was anyone around with anything stronger. I scanned the crowd looking for the big guy with the black hoodie sweatshirt and tattoos who was usually around selling a variety of shit. The guy was shady as fuck but I wanted to see about getting something to really get the party started. I couldn't even remember what his name was . . . John? Jack? Jason? Whatever, it started with a 'J' and he was kind of an asshole, but always seemed to be at parties selling pills and weed.

I didn't see him, so I decided to head towards the kitchen and see if there was any more alcohol available. On my way there, I ran into a few people I knew but really wasn't in the mood to make small talk with any of them. I was in a weird headspace and not sure exactly what it was I wanted. None of the people there were really who I considered friends. . . more like casual acquaintances I partied with. Still, as I passed by I put on the big smile I was known for and greeted each one of them. I used my best acting skills to pretend like I actually remembered who they were and that I cared about what was going on with them. Really, I just wanted to get to the kitchen and get my cup refilled so I didn't lose what little buzz I had going.

As I walked back to the kitchen, I wondered for a fleeting moment if I should just call my best friend . . . fuck, my only real friend, Jenna, to come pick me up and go home. Usually, nights where I felt like that, were the ones I found myself getting into trouble. I had called her before, usually when I was far drunker or when my bad decision making got me into a jam, and she always came to get me. I felt more than a little guilty using her like that but, ever since we started college, I had asked her to come out with me numerous times and she always declined. She had a boyfriend she had devoted her life to, even though he was a real possessive asshole. They began dating shortly after we started college. While Jenna was working on her life plan of having a successful career, a picture-perfect husband, kids, and a white picket fence . . . the 'American Dream' . . .I had no idea what the fuck to do with myself. That was when I discovered that hitting the party scene brought an endless number of people to be around . . . just not in any real or meaningful way.

The more twisted part of me sometimes wanted to see how far I could push my friendship with Jenna before she gave up and left me too. That's what happens with people who get close to you . . . right about the time you think you can count on them, they leave. So far, Jenna was the only person who hadn't bailed on me. Part of me wanted to believe she wouldn't ever leave me, but the other part knew that one day she would be gone too. We had been friends since the fifth grade and so far she was still there.

I put on a brave face to let the world see it didn't bother me, but the truth was, it did. I felt like I was all alone, even in a crowded room full of people, and it sucked.

Jenna and I were two years into college . . . the fact I was even in college was kind of a damn miracle in and of itself. Of course, I was in the process of fucking it all up. In my first year, I had seemed to find a decent study and party life balance. The second-year the scales had tipped in favor of partying and over the course of the year, I found myself going to class less and less. I was almost to the point of just saying fuck it and dropping out. . . .but that didn't really sound like a great option either, so I just chose to ignore the whole thing and pretend like it wasn't a problem. Just keep on keepin' on or some shit like that.

"Hey, Cassie! Isn't this great! Do you need another drink?" a girl with brown hair in a red halter top shouted at me from across the kitchen. She looked vaguely familiar, but I had no idea what her name was. I just knew I had seen her out a few times at parties similar to this one. She was standing next to the counter which was covered by assorted bottles of booze. No matter who she was, there was no way around her if I wanted to get to the bottles. I was used to people remembering who I was because I had bright red hair and a deep love of wearing bright red lipstick to go with it. Plus, I had very little filter on what came out of my mouth, which usually made a lasting impression.

I plastered on my well-rehearsed 'party girl having fun smile' and shouted back to her. "Good to see you! Fuck yeah, I need another drink!" I tipped my empty cup upside down and made an exaggerated sad pouty face. This caused the brown-haired girl to erupt into a fit of super fucking annoying high-pitched giggles, and I kept on fake-smiling away.

"You are such a riot, Cassie! Get yourself over here and I will mix you up what I like to call the 'Super Sam Special.' You are going to love it!" She raised her eyebrow at me. It suddenly clicked in my somewhat foggy mind that her name was Samantha and that we had pounded down tequila shots together a few nights ago at a bar down the street. I tried to push down the nagging feeling that not being able to remember what happened a few nights prior might be a sign I was in over my head.

I handed my empty plastic cup to Samantha and looked around the kitchen. The whole house was packed with people. I recognized several of them but couldn't really tell you much other than the fact we had partied together. I tried to tell myself I preferred it that way, a bunch of superficial acquaintances who had no chance of letting me down, but that was a lie. Truth was, I hated the feeling of being in a house packed with people and still feeling lonely. Fuck! Where was that stupid dealer when you really needed him? I was way too inside my head and it was really starting to kill the buzz I had going. I needed something to snap me out of it.

"Here you go, sister!" A far too perky Samantha said as she gave me my cup back.

I peered in at the contents as I brought the cup up to my lips and took a sip. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever put in my mouth. This coming from me, the girl that never turned down a drink, ate at sketchy-looking places on the regular, and was generally willing to try anything once. I peered up at Samantha who was standing right in front of me with an overly expectant look on her face. I put my 'party girl having fun smile' back on and shouted out, "Whooooohoooooo! It is something else alright!" as I held my cup up to toast with her. I needed to find somewhere to ditch the abomination of a drink without Samantha seeing. I wasn't a total monster and didn't want to hurt her feelings.

Samantha started jumping up and down. "I knew that you were going to love it!" she shrieked with a very pleased look on her face.

"Whew it is hot in here! I think I am going to go outside and get some air," I shouted to Samantha over the music and roar of conversations happening around me.

"I will catch you later," she shouted back. "I think some of us are going to the bar down the street in a bit if you want to come."

"Yeah, I'll see where I am at when you are ready to go." Maybe that was what I needed, a change of scenery from the house party to get in the right mood. I didn't want to talk to Samantha anymore so I faked another smile, gave a little wave, and disappeared into the crowd.

Fuck everything.