wow i update this way too much
sorry lmao
Ashton could feel the guilt taking over his mind – he didn’t know what made him put the weights in his clothes. He wasn’t sure why it bothered him so much; especially since he got away with it. Ashton sat down on his bed, tugging at the roots of his hair in frustration. He then took his hands out of his hair, staring down at them over his lap. He began to notice how short his nails were, and he was never one to be an excessive nail biter. Ashton felt himself transforming into a different person; the old Ashton wouldn’t have lied. The old Ashton wouldn’t have felt so vulnerable and alone.
Luke came walking back into their room, stopping in his tracks when he saw Ashton staring intently at the floor. Ashton looked up at the door when he heard footsteps, but he didn’t say anything when he saw Luke’s figure before him. Luke took the hint that Ashton wasn’t going to break the silence, so he took matters into his own hands and spoke up first. Luke let out a long, shaky breath before speaking.
“I can see you’re not okay,” was all Luke wanted to say, figuring it would be broad enough for conversation.
“It is that obvious?”
Luke nodded slowly, patting Ashton’s back. “What’s making you upset?”
“I think it would be much faster for me to tell you what’s not making me upset,” Ashton tried to let out a small laugh to brighten the mood, but it only saddened him more. “…I don’t know. I guess it’s just…I’m feeling alone. I feel trapped. I feel like I’m against myself, but at the same time, I only have myself on my side.”
“You know that’s not true,” Luke reminded him, “I’m here.”
“I did something bad, Luke,” Ashton randomly blurted out, unable to keep it to himself any longer. He bowed his head, preparing for the lecture he would get once he told him what he did. “When I went to the weigh-in yesterday, I was told that I gained weight. I didn’t gain any real weight, though. I…I put on extra clothes and I hid some small weights in my pockets. I know what I did was wrong, but I can’t take it back.”
“What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that I didn’t want to disappoint anyone,” Ashton played with his sleeves. “I figured if I convinced Nurse Perrie that I gained weight, she would be happy. I thought she would be mad if I didn’t make any progress.”
“Ashton, she wouldn’t have been mad. Sure it would have been amazing for you to gain weight, but it doesn’t mean you have to do it – or pretend to – just to please others. It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes,” Luke empathized. “It was mature of you to tell me what you did. I’m not going to tell Nurse Perrie. I just want you to know that you will get better at your own pace. It takes time to heal, and that’s okay.”
Ashton smiled a little, but it faded almost immediately. “I still feel guilty, though.”
“It’ll fade,” Luke assured him. “Don’t worry.”
[ x ]
“Calum, you’re such an asshole,” Michael chuckled, the two of them sitting in Calum’s room. Since he was the only friend he had, Michael spent an awful lot of time in Calum’s room. Calum lit a cigarette, placing it between his lips before passing off the lighter to Michael. Both boys knew that they would be in huge trouble if they got caught smoking, but they were practically professionals at hiding.
