Author: paramagnetic
Date: 4 January, 2021
I didn’t fully read your form (because I was super lazy. Lol) but judging by your title and cover, I can tell it is a romance story. And I love both of them. If you check, I usually don’t always fancy people’s covers, but yours is great. Gives the whole romancy vibes.
The blurb is… interesting, I guess. No, sorry, I just can’t really tell form it. I’m used to reading romance backed up by action and mystery (noticeable from the blurb) but from your blurb, I’ll say this is just a purely romance story.
Okay, let’s go into the book.
Okay, change the starting. Phone vibrates isn’t a description.
You can write something about how she was enjoying her book or something, lost in the creative and imaginary world, when she is suddenly pulled out by the soft vibrating of her phone…
That’s more descriptive and captivating.
Okay, so the prologue… how do I start.
A lot of things could have happened there, but to me, it seemed like you rushed through it. For starters, I would suggest you divide the prologue into 1. Faith’s POV and 2. Joy’s POV. That way, you can better expand and describe things that are going on.
You did a lot of dialogue and texting than actual description. Like at the bar, things could have happened there. Was the place loud due to the party? If so, how then were they able to communicate? Did they have to shout to be heard over the noise?
And the people at the party… Of course Joy would have to see other people before deciding the woman behind Ace was the perfect company…
Throw a little more life and amusement into the party. You get?
Twist of Fate… The constant change in POV is almost distracting, at least to me. The description seems to get a little better though. Just that change in POV that called to my attention. I think it was changed 3 times or so…
In the next chapter, you seem to do a lot more of descriptive writing in Joy’s POV, which is nice. In Faith’s POV, it was as though I was reading what the voice in her head was saying. While that is okay, everything is important. In situations like that, I think it is more realistic to take in the area. Okay, they’re surrounded by water, but any distinctive thing? Sand? Trees? What?
Then the panic sets in. She didn’t even seem to go into panic. Just thirst..
Then temporary relief at the sight of someone else, seeing as she isn’t alone.
Then panic again, because where the hell is everyone else, what just happened? How are they going to get out?
Next chapter also seems to have a lot of story telling. For example, it is not enough to tell a reader that the character is… let’s say having a panic attack. You also have to describe it, so without telling us, we can come to the conclusion that this is what is going on. I don’t know if this makes sense to you.
Things seem to be getting better now. You’re not cramming us with constant POV change per chapter, and that’s great. It’s easier to read now.
However, the only thing I have to say is the whole description thing. You’re doing okay, but you can do better. You have a good story on your mind, just remember descriptions and detailing are extremely important. So apply this when editing.
I don’t really have much to say anymore, and I don t want to end up repeating myself, so I’ll leave this here.
Never stop writing, just keep writing.
Love, Stephannie.
