Fused

Chapter 1: Midnight Butterfly

Be with me always- take any form- drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! ...I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!
-Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights

                                             ***

I gripped his hand as we walked up the steps, through the first set of doors then the second into the reception area of the Departures Building. He was leaving... and I couldn't bear it.

The girl at the desk nodded granting me permission to escort him down the corridor. Each footstep that hit the marbled floor took us closer to the doorway where the corridor terminated. All I could think was that the hallway wasn't long enough. I needed one more step, one more moment with him because when we reached the door, I couldn't go any farther. Only those who were scheduled to depart could pass through the doorway.

I gripped one of his arms with both of mine, like I was a trap, and he was the unfortunate animal to come across me. He turned to me, pressed his forehead to mine and gently cupped the back of my head with his free hand. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to be engulfed by his warm woodsy scent and revel in his soft and familiar touch. My heart pounded when his head pulled away and he gently took back possession of his arm. His grey green eyes looked me over then settled on my face as his hand slid from the back of my head to my cheek. He didn't have to say anything; I could feel it in his touch, see it in his eyes.

I knew he loved me. I knew he didn't want to leave me. But we both knew he had to do this and at some point, my time would come as well. He would return. This wasn't forever, but we were. He leaned into me, his hand still on my cheek, and gently whispered in my ear. "There's no way on Earth I'll ever forget you."

He was sincere when he said that. He meant it, every word. But I also knew as much as he meant it, it wasn't true. He released me and took a step back. It was time for him to go however I wasn't ready to yet. I wrapped my arms around him once again and laid my head on his chest, so I could hear his beating heart. I breathed him in one last time, pinched my eyes closed, then let go. I turned away from him before opening my eyes. I needed to keep him from seeing the tears spread down my face, and maybe if I didn't see him walk through that door, I could convince myself he wasn't gone. I walked away without looking back. I heard the door swing open and I heard his footsteps fade away.

                                       ***

"Josie. Josie. You need to wake up. We have to go!"

I grasped the brittle edge of my consciousness. It was fragile and crumbled under my touch, but somehow I managed to grapple it, and seize hold of it, and pull myself out of the darkness and back into the light.

"Will?" I rasped through dry cracked lips. I couldn't open my eyes.

"No, Josie. It's me. Are you ok?" A soft deep voice I knew so well answered.

With the memory of Will's first departure fresh in my mind I squinted my eyes open. I felt cold and wet and my limbs were numb and unmoving. I was in a state of paralysis, disoriented and not entirely sure where I was. I knew I was on the ground; my cheek was flush with a rough moist surface. Through slitted eyes I could make out a body of water.

When my surroundings came into full focus I could see the water more clearly. It was a pond or small lake and there floating on its surface was my best friend. I could see her past the denim covered pair of knees that rested in the sand beside me. She was face down, her long golden hair floated in the water like the tentacles of a jellyfish. Her spine was a visible ridge down the center of her pale limp body. Her wings jutted from that space behind her shoulder blades and were splayed out floating on each side of her, their beauty tarnished by mud. She looked like a midnight butterfly who had gone to close for a drink and was forever captured by the water.

It should have been me. I tried to reach out towards her but could only lift a finger in her direction.

It wasn't fair. She deserved my tears, but I didn't have any left...because Will was gone, and he took my tears with him. I tried to pull myself to her; maybe she wasn't dead, maybe I could save her. I couldn't manage to save Will, but maybe just maybe I could save her. She felt miles away and my attempt to crawl to her was an epic failure. I could barely manage to scratch an indentation in the sand with my fingernails as I clutched the ground to propel myself forward.

"It's Ok." Her brother told me as his knees scooted in closer. He placed a warm hand on my back.  "She's okay. It's not a true death. You know that. She's not gone forever. That is just a body."

It didn't matter what he just said. That body- was my friend. But I also knew he was right. Angels didn't die. That body floating on the water would be replaced, and she would return to us just as she was. That is... if she wanted to. She could step back into her next life as if she had never left this one because she hadn't. A gift of the Angels. They could come back and pick up right where they left off. They were the keepers of this world, but this world was not theirs and they didn't have to follow its rules like humans did.

Humans started from scratch every time; having no memory of previous lives, or of the real world, was a prerequisite of human existence on Earth. But I knew I the truth. I knew everything. Yet knowing that she wasn't really gone gave me no comfort in that moment. I was human. I was on Earth. I was bound to my body and to my belief that the body was a temple and must be protected at all cost- that death was final. Death was an end to a life on Earth for humans. Yes, I could return to life over and over too- we all could. And though my soul would be the same, with no memory of who I was before, the person I became each time would always be different. It was an impossible concept for my mind to grasp, that she could return, and she would still be my best friend.

"Can you move Josie? If you can't I will carry you."

I moaned still unable to form full sentences.

"My mo-th-er?" I managed to mumble. He didn't answer so I knew it wasn't good and I didn't have the energy to push for more.

"I'm going to pick you up Josie. We must move on now and we will find Madelyn. You need her."

I meant to nod but I think I only blinked my eyes. It didn't matter though, he understood, then gently gathered me in his arms. I huffed as he attempted to rise. I was anesthetized to the physical pain; it was the pain of leaving Will behind that hurt me.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." It was just like him to be apologetic for something that was not his fault, yet his expression of regret wasn't meant for just me. The crack in his voice, the tremble in the strong limbs that cradled me was evidence that the loss of Will had impacted him as much as it had me. He let me settle for a minute longer before making another attempt to rise.

"Let's try this again. Are you ready?"

"Yes," I rasped. No, not really.

"Okay, here we go." As he rose I felt the warmth and softness of his golden feathers wrap around me.

My body was broken, my heart was broken, my soul was broken. I needed to fit the happenings of the last few months into nice tidy files in my brain. I needed an explanation for the unexplainable so that I could begin to put myself back together and face what came next, but right now, that was impossible. I was overcome with images of Will. There he was standing in front of a doorway in another world- his hand pressed against my cheek; his smile the first time he realized who I was here on this rock; his face battered and bloody with lips mouthing the words I had desperately longed to hear. My head lolled to the side and I saw her again. The broken angel, my broken angel, floating on the water as we moved away. I did not want to see the images in my head or what lay on the water anymore so, I closed my eyes.

"Josie sleep." He pressed his lips to my forehead, and I laid my cheek against soft feathers and let the brittleness take me over once again.